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[Jun. 17th, 2008|02:24 pm] |
I hear a lot about people's carbon foot prints. Big deal. I'm working on a carbon snow-angel. Shawn Alexander
My wife complains about how long it takes me to water the plants, but hey, my bladder's only so big! Brad Simanek
My doctor told me that I need to lose some weight. He told me he'd give me a pill to help burn the fat. I told him there was NO way I'd take a pill to lose weight unless it was the size of a roast and tasted like cheesecake. Mimi
The Top Signs Your Client Is a Zombie
- Asks if you will take a post-dated brain as payment. - Insists his only alibi is that he wasn't undead yet. - Despite the court reporter's repeated requests for clarification, he does nothing but grunt and moan on the stand. - He wants you to bring a replevin action to recover his arm, jaw, and scalp. - It's increasingly difficult to win over the jury when he tries to keep eating them. - While you're busy rebutting expert testimony, he keeps nibbling on your second chair. - Keeps asking you to get him a "writ of habeas corpse." - Your retainer may be high, but the literal "arm and a leg" sitting in the corner are starting to smell.
The Top Geek Street Gangs
- Bazement Dwellaz - Linux Kings - MS v13.2 - The C#rips - The Hubs and the Scripts - The Slide Rulers - The Printer Jammers - Dell's Angels - Mice Lords - Cisco Sisterhood - The Bubble Jets - The Encryps
The Top Unexpected Features of the Building Wind Turbine
- Feral cats get unexpected fest of stunned birds and bats. - Combined output is just enough to power the "Wind Energy" kiosks in the lobby. - Unforeseen resonances use more energy to dampen than the turbines generate. - When the wind reaches 88 miles an hour, a DeLorean appears. - Automatically qualifies the building for a James Bond movie plot.
The Top Complaints of Horror Movie Camera Men
- After 44 takes, even the cheerleader shower scene starts getting a little old. - Union rules prevent you from choking the life out of the idiot screenwriter. - Couldn't the chainsaw killer aim the spray to the side once in a while? - Being one-upped by the porn camera men all the time, just because they get to deal with more interesting bodily fluids. - Ever try to frame a shot so that a 40 year-old burn-out looks like a teenage virgin? - Dream sequence where Freddy shows up at school naked on test day seems to be forced. - Constant electric shocks from stepping in puddles of fake blood. - That Key Grip who always wins at Horror Movie Cliche Bingo. - As soon as the swampy atmosphere steams the lens, some idiot always writes "wash me" with his finger.
The Top Worst-Selling Sharper Image Products
- "Little Rio" Men's Home Brazilian Wax Kit - Nose-Hair Incinerator - Scrotum Bedazzler - White Noise Sleep Machine with Sam Kinison, Bobcat Goldthwait, Yoko Ono, Fran Drescher, Gilbert Gottfried and Richard Simmons settings - Home Vagina Enlarger - Sunglasses With Genuine Italian Leather Lenses - LOLcat Decoder Ring - German Tickler - Shiatsu Massage Whoopee Cushion - Life-Size "Stan the Accountant" Robot - Steering Wheel-Mounted Miniature TV - Condom-Flavored Gummi Bears - "Old Sparky" Massaging Electric Chair With Vibra-Fingers - Hand-Cranked Ass-Hair Braider - "Drive Me Crazy!" Car Cigarette-Lighter Adapter for Vibrators - Hypno-Crotch Pants - Anal BBQ Thermometer - Kosher Ham Radio Receiver - Hillbot 2008: The Robot That Refuses to Turn Off
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