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Jun. 17th, 2008|02:24 pm |
I hear a lot about people's carbon foot prints. Big deal. I'm working on a carbon snow-angel.
Shawn Alexander
My wife complains about how long it takes me to water the plants, but hey, my bladder's only so big!
Brad Simanek
My doctor told me that I need to lose some weight. He told me he'd give me a pill to help burn the fat. I told him there was NO way I'd take a pill to lose weight unless it was the size of a roast and tasted like cheesecake.
Mimi
The Top Signs Your Client Is a Zombie
- Asks if you will take a post-dated brain as payment.
- Insists his only alibi is that he wasn't undead yet.
- Despite the court reporter's repeated requests for clarification, he does nothing but grunt and moan on the stand.
- He wants you to bring a replevin action to recover his arm, jaw, and scalp.
- It's increasingly difficult to win over the jury when he tries to keep eating them.
- While you're busy rebutting expert testimony, he keeps nibbling on your second chair.
- Keeps asking you to get him a "writ of habeas corpse."
- Your retainer may be high, but the literal "arm and a leg" sitting in the corner are starting to smell.
The Top Geek Street Gangs
- Bazement Dwellaz
- Linux Kings
- MS v13.2
- The C#rips
- The Hubs and the Scripts
- The Slide Rulers
- The Printer Jammers
- Dell's Angels
- Mice Lords
- Cisco Sisterhood
- The Bubble Jets
- The Encryps
The Top Unexpected Features of the Building Wind Turbine
- Feral cats get unexpected fest of stunned birds and bats.
- Combined output is just enough to power the "Wind Energy" kiosks in the lobby.
- Unforeseen resonances use more energy to dampen than the turbines generate.
- When the wind reaches 88 miles an hour, a DeLorean appears.
- Automatically qualifies the building for a James Bond movie plot.
The Top Complaints of Horror Movie Camera Men
- After 44 takes, even the cheerleader shower scene starts getting a little old.
- Union rules prevent you from choking the life out of the idiot screenwriter.
- Couldn't the chainsaw killer aim the spray to the side once in a while?
- Being one-upped by the porn camera men all the time, just because they get to deal with more interesting bodily fluids.
- Ever try to frame a shot so that a 40 year-old burn-out looks like a teenage virgin?
- Dream sequence where Freddy shows up at school naked on test day seems to be forced.
- Constant electric shocks from stepping in puddles of fake blood.
- That Key Grip who always wins at Horror Movie Cliche Bingo.
- As soon as the swampy atmosphere steams the lens, some idiot always writes "wash me" with his finger.
The Top Worst-Selling Sharper Image Products
- "Little Rio" Men's Home Brazilian Wax Kit
- Nose-Hair Incinerator
- Scrotum Bedazzler
- White Noise Sleep Machine with Sam Kinison, Bobcat Goldthwait, Yoko Ono, Fran Drescher, Gilbert Gottfried and Richard Simmons settings
- Home Vagina Enlarger
- Sunglasses With Genuine Italian Leather Lenses
- LOLcat Decoder Ring
- German Tickler
- Shiatsu Massage Whoopee Cushion
- Life-Size "Stan the Accountant" Robot
- Steering Wheel-Mounted Miniature TV
- Condom-Flavored Gummi Bears
- "Old Sparky" Massaging Electric Chair With Vibra-Fingers
- Hand-Cranked Ass-Hair Braider
- "Drive Me Crazy!" Car Cigarette-Lighter Adapter for Vibrators
- Hypno-Crotch Pants
- Anal BBQ Thermometer
- Kosher Ham Radio Receiver
- Hillbot 2008: The Robot That Refuses to Turn Off
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