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[Feb. 10th, 2009|08:07 am] |
- Ну здравствуй, мыло душистое и верёвка пушистая!
Время вкладывать деньги сменилось временем их выкладывать...
Это первая сессия, когда я не получил все зачеты вовремя. При Путине такого не было...
- Б**ть, ну как победить коррупцию в стране, в которой деньги делают по ширине конверта?
Давос. Пресс-конференция В. Путина. Корреспондент задает вопрос:
— Уважаемый ПМ РФ, как вам удалось в бытность Президентом РФ и имея оклад 3 тысячи долларов, сколотить капитал в 40 миллиардов долларов?
— Ну я же пахал как раб на галерах!
Корреспондент:
— То есть вы гребли, гребли и гребли?
( ... tālāk ... ) |
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[Feb. 10th, 2009|08:38 am] |
The Top Things We Use the Other 90% of Our Brains For
- Documenting every single slip-up our husbands have ever made, to use against them 20 years from now.
- 10 PRINT "IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL"
20 GOTO 10
- Feelings. (Women only)
- Picturing Carrie-Anne Moss in her "Matrix" getup, and debating whether to give her another 5%.
- "But WHY doesn't a duck's quack echo?"
- Coming up with new strategies for Rock-Paper-Scissors.
- Counting nipples.
- "I'm already usin' all 100%, List-Boy!" (George W. Bush only)
- An intricate mental database that stimulates the neurons to provide absolute, iron-clad memorization of '80s song lyrics, for those occasional drinking games.
- Computing mathematical models based on relativity theorems and asynchronous Lorentz invariants in order to unravel the mystery of time travel, so we can go back and find a way to nail that hottie in our 11th-grade homeroom.
- "Attention, Altair 9: Human host still does not suspect slugbeast occupation. Now signing off until tomorrow."
- Provides the extra weight and counter-balance necessary for proper mosh-pit head-banging.
January 19th was the 200th anniversary of Edgar Allan Poe's birth in Boston, Massachusetts.
The Top Ways to Celebrate Poe's 200th Birthday
- Wear some specialty jewelry. Specifically, hang pendulums from your pits.
- Take a raven to lunch. Better yet, take a Ravens' Cheerleader to lunch.
- Throw a masquerade ball. Invite people you could stand to see suffer and die.
- Oh hell, just wall someone up.
- Marry your 13-year-old cousin and join the "Edgar & Jerry Lee" club.
- Make a goth girl cry by making her actually read Poe's poetry.
- Go all out; dig the dude up!
- Dress in black, chase under-aged girls and drink yourself into a stupor. You know, just like the ol' college days.
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[Feb. 10th, 2009|01:24 pm] |
The Top Embarrassing Trial Moments
- Raising an objection to the recess for lunch.
- Asking the judge for permission to treat the witness as a sloppy-seconds rental car.
- Seeing your first ex-wife assigned as the judge for your second divorce trial.
- Overconfident bailiff thought he could administer the oath to the witness from memory.
- Turns out the juror you bribed was only an alternate.
- You know this isn't the dream where you're arguing before the Supreme Court without clothes, because in those you're at least wearing underwear.
February 14th is Valentine's Day, a day when geeks profess their love for their computers. Oh, and their imaginary girlfriends, too.
The Top Ways to Woo the Internet
- Why bother? It's had its tubes tied.
- With the prevalence of wi-fi, you can take it to a nice dinner almost anywhere.
- Forget it buddy, she knows your search history.
- Make it jealous by setting up a little home network.
- No matter how much of a compliment it really is, when talking about bandwidth, *never* use the word "wide."
- Flowers delivered via FTP Florists.
- You know all those "enhancement" spams you've been getting? You're not real good at taking a clue, are you?
- Just once, do you think you could try *uploading* a love song for a change?
The Top 7 Scientist Dozens
- Yo mama so fat and stupid, she thought Darwin said survival of the fattest and meant her.
- Your maternal parent is so obese, she was mistaken for a new species of whale, Balaenoptera yomamacus.
- Your momma's mouth is so big, they have to use the Chandra X-Ray Telescope for her bite-wings.
- Yo mama so lazy, Newton's first law states that a body at rest tends to remain at rest and a body in motion ain't yo mama.
- You're so near-sighted, you don't need a microscope to study bacteriophage.
- Your mama is so dumb, she doesn't know either your papa's velocity or position.
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