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Feb. 10th, 2009|08:38 am |
The Top Things We Use the Other 90% of Our Brains For
- Documenting every single slip-up our husbands have ever made, to use against them 20 years from now.
- 10 PRINT "IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL"
20 GOTO 10
- Feelings. (Women only)
- Picturing Carrie-Anne Moss in her "Matrix" getup, and debating whether to give her another 5%.
- "But WHY doesn't a duck's quack echo?"
- Coming up with new strategies for Rock-Paper-Scissors.
- Counting nipples.
- "I'm already usin' all 100%, List-Boy!" (George W. Bush only)
- An intricate mental database that stimulates the neurons to provide absolute, iron-clad memorization of '80s song lyrics, for those occasional drinking games.
- Computing mathematical models based on relativity theorems and asynchronous Lorentz invariants in order to unravel the mystery of time travel, so we can go back and find a way to nail that hottie in our 11th-grade homeroom.
- "Attention, Altair 9: Human host still does not suspect slugbeast occupation. Now signing off until tomorrow."
- Provides the extra weight and counter-balance necessary for proper mosh-pit head-banging.
January 19th was the 200th anniversary of Edgar Allan Poe's birth in Boston, Massachusetts.
The Top Ways to Celebrate Poe's 200th Birthday
- Wear some specialty jewelry. Specifically, hang pendulums from your pits.
- Take a raven to lunch. Better yet, take a Ravens' Cheerleader to lunch.
- Throw a masquerade ball. Invite people you could stand to see suffer and die.
- Oh hell, just wall someone up.
- Marry your 13-year-old cousin and join the "Edgar & Jerry Lee" club.
- Make a goth girl cry by making her actually read Poe's poetry.
- Go all out; dig the dude up!
- Dress in black, chase under-aged girls and drink yourself into a stupor. You know, just like the ol' college days.
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