Ejot ārā no slimnīcas, sāka skanēt baznīcas zvani. Man gribējās aizlūgt par tēva brāļa veselību. Sekoju skaņai.

Kad iegāju iekšā baltajās sienās pa lielu lielajām durvīm, dievkalpojums jau bija sācies. Apsēdos, iegrimu dziļi sevī un lūdzos. Tad mācītājs sāka lasīt no Bībeles un sprediķot par Jāni Kristītāju, par to, kā viņš dzīvoja tuksnesī, ēda savvaļas bišu medu un sienāžus, tērpās kamieļu ādās, un beigu beigās Jēzus teica par viņu, ka mazākais debesīs ir lielāks par viņu, kaut gan viņš ir lielākais uz Zemes. Es aizdomājos. Kas tad man vēl būtu jādara, ja Jānis kristītājs ir mazākais? Te es sajutu vēsu vēju uz sava vaiga, kaut kur atskanēja kluss durvju čīkstiens. Pacēlu galvu un paskatījos. Baznīcas tumšajā stūrī atvērās nelielas durvis, iekšā bija telpa piepildīta ar sveču gaismu. Es piecēlos no ceļiem un lēnām soļoju pretī durvīm. Sveču liesmiņas kustējās kā runādamas un vējš čukstēja ausī:
"Kas šo bērnu uzņem Manā Vārdā, tas uzņem Mani, un, kas Mani uzņem, tas uzņem To, kas Mani sūtījis; jo, kas mazākais jūsu starpā, tas ir liels."

[izdomāts]

I often go to the countryside to pick up some home made food as it has no chemicals therefore is better for health. When I get home I take it out to eat it. Then I think about my family. I'd rather give everything to them rather than staying healthy myself and watching them die of cancer, blood vessel or heart or other deseases. But they never appreciate food like that and never think about difference in food and consequences of consuming one or another product.

Sometimes I find stuff brought by me and left for them rotten, since nobody even touched it. This is when I feel, like I've lost a fight to some evil forces or so. Then I think of God and nature - a great father and mother in heaven. I imagine myself in their place and that I have a child like me - devoted and faithful. I take care about this child and give him the best that I have - best food and clean water. And what would I do if this child would give all that to somebody else who ignores me? This is the point, when I understand, that it's ok that I eat all by myself.

- Ak Dievs, viņas sirds ir salauzta - jūtas tanī ir blāvas. Lūdzu, taisi viņai un dāvā jaunu sirdi.
- Tas prasīs laiku. Turklāt, uz to man tiešām būs jāpaņēm viņas sirds pie sevis debesīs un viņa zaudēs jūtas pret tevi pavisam, paliks vien dziņas un prāts.
- Tas nekas. Es pārcietīšu. Es gribu, lai viņa būtu priekpilna un laimīga. Pat ja tas nozīmē, ka šķirsimies.
- Labi, es darīšu tā. Bet nevaino mani, ja jauna sirds nespēs tevi pieņemt. Ir lietas, kas jums cilvēkos ir pēc manas līdzības, tāpēc nespēju tās ietekmēt, lai kāda būtu mana vara.

Redzēju sapnī kādu sievieti, kas šķirstīja semināru katalogu. Tad redzēju viņas acīm, ka viņa pievērš uzmanību semināram "Man nav vīra". Šķiet, ka viņa zvanīs un pieteiksies.

Kad pamodos, iedrukāju šī semināra nosaukumu iekš google. Atradās vien citāts no jaunās derības:
15 Sieva Viņam saka: "Kungs, dod man tādu ūdeni, ka man vairs neslāpst un nav jānāk šurp smelt."
16 Tad Viņš tai saka: "Ej, sauc savu vīru un nāc šurp!"
17 Sieva Viņam atbild: "Man nav vīra." Jēzus viņai saka: "Tu pareizi esi sacījusi: man nav vīra, -
18 jo pieci vīri tev ir bijuši, bet, kas tev tagad ir, tas nav tavs vīrs. Šai ziņā tu esi runājusi patiesību."

Pagaidām vēl nezinu, ko ar šo mistisko ziņu iesākt. Pirmā doma, kas ienāk prātā ir, ka šis jautājums drīz kļūs aktuāls sabiedrībā un tāpēc varētu uzrakstīt grāmatu ar skaidrojumiem Bībeles tekstiem attiecībā uz attiecībām. Grāmatu rakstīšana gan nav man pa prātam. Ja kādam ir vēlme un varēšana, tad aicinu to izdarīt manā vietā.

Oh God, the world, You created, changes - the signs of death are everywhere - floods, unsettled weather, blank taste of food and water, sicknesses, weaknesses, the spirit of war and lust... However your signs are hidden with medicine, technology and pleasures.

Please, send us a new Prophet with a new message from You, give this prophet a wisdom to explain us what wrong do we do! Tell him to compile a new Bible, so that temporarily useless scriptures would be taken out and new scriptures would be put in. Give a new prophet a power to do good deeds, so we might recognize him, and never let him do wrong, so we never doubt him.

We are too satisfied with our pathetic lives of constant pleasure chase to realize, that we have abandoned You long ago and misunderstand your ancient teachings today.

Ak, Dievs! Aizved mani prom no šīs pilsētas! Es šeit vairs nevaru uzturēties ne mirkli! Palīdzi man saraut saites ar cilvēkiem šeit! Ak tās niecīgās saites, kas ir sapinušās savā starpā! Ar lietām esmu jau visas saiknes sarāvis, jo šeit viss ir netīrs, vecs un netīrs! Lai zeme vai jūra šeit visu aprij! Nē! Man vispār vienalga, ko Tu izdarīsi ar šo vietu! Bet lūdzu, vispirms izdari tā, lai manis šeit nebūtu!

Flesh of the Savior... What does it mean, if we need to eat it and drink his blood in order to be saved? I can surely understand, that I need to crucify my flesh, which in todays language means, I must crucify the needs of my flesh. But the flesh of the savior....

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Why did I ever need to create a flesh for my essence? That is the question.

The answer is: because there was no other way for me to become visible to you humans, which in turn was necessary to deliver my message to you - a knowledge of life. Flesh of a savior was something like a book, only much more complicated.

If I sent you only the book, it would had never been enough. So I sent flesh, so that it could approach you humans.

What do you usually do with a book? You read it. Sometimes you burn it, if you find it unacceptable.

What do you usually do with a flesh? You eat it. How many things you can do, if you find it unacceptable...

Consume the knowledge, that was brought to you by that flesh. That knowledge is just as essential to your life, as food and drink. Every day. And look for your favorite meal.

I forget to set the alarm clock in the evening as a fall to sleep. I forget about everything then - I just want to escape this life for a while. I wake up at a random time, afterwards spending some time in bed awake, not willing to quit the world of my imagination, where my soul rests as my body rests here in reality, too. Reality. It has been affecting the world of my dreams too much lately. Just as unclear, full of riddles, unseen faces, uncertainty. I don't want to sleep. Don't want to wake up either.

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You don't like the life, do you?

Oh how can I like it! They hate You together with the world You created! They strive to change every corner, every place on Earth, every thing! Trees to ashes, seas to deserts, water to dirt, food to poison, love to fornication, peace to war, cross to sword, life to slow gradual death...

You've got a work to do.

I have to go to work? Work... I must work with zeal. What for! In order to satisfy my sloth! I do one thing in order not to do many others. How did that happen to us! We've been trapped to slavery by our own sloth!

Now you understand, why these two words sound so much alike, don't you?

It's not my fault, not my sloth, that enslaves me! Civilization, humanity!

Really? Have you never loved civilization? These billions of lights, these trembling sounds of might of humanity, those millions of pleasures, that infinity of fancy items?

My poor little child. So lost. No way back. You've learned to be civilized and now when you've tasted a cheese in a mouse trap you try to change your mind. Remember that mouse in your house? It tore it's hand apart to get free from a mousetrap. It is free now. In the meadows. It will never return to your house. But it is not easy, it has lost it's hand after all. I must protect it on every step. And I do it. That's why you too must not be afraid.

I've already lost my sight almost entirely. You can't compare me with a mouse. Mole rat will suite me better.

How can I compare you with a mole rat? Mole rats die when they come out to light for too long.

After the speach of Satan there was only one thought on my mind: I am indeed a pathetic little monkey in a zoo, where my whole life is just a bunch of useless efforts to climb on different social trees to get some social bananas. My whole life is no different from that of an animal and if there is God, I am of no use to Him.

( Suddenly He speaks )

I was looking for an old wooden shack full of violins on the bank of the river Daugava. Instead of the shack I found a small concrete garage. Inside this garage was a church whith no crosses and icons to praise, no priests to listen, no chairs to sit back and relax. No organ, too.

There was just one violin in this shack. There was also this young man, that invited people in and made everyone dance. Later an old man came, took the violin and started to play. After hours of joy, the old man went away and I took the violin for the last song.

I played and realised, that I don't want to quit it. Fingers do their job for themselves without my command.

What and why was leading my fingers? The more I played, the stronger was that force.

I also understood, why there was only one violin in this shack. I didn't take mine with.

Dodiet Dievam iespēju dot Jums iespēju!!

Came home really late yesterday evening, no time for supper, so just a glass of pure country milk. Woke up really late this morning, so no time for breakfast. Again just a glass of milk. Then working with an empty stomach, and what do I see - some sweet jelly marmelade left in my bag. Ate it all, sugar made my blood heavy and then I hear in my imagination:
- You Don't Know What You're Looking For, do you?
- I know what I am looking for, but I am not sure, if it exists... That's why I sometimes look for something else.
- And you have no idea, what this something else is.
- That's right.
- Probably something similar to what you really whant? Because when you find something else, you don't want it.
- You know everything! Tell me where to look for!

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( Read more... )

I was bringing Pinochio babies to the execution site from the forest by the brook, where lots of trees fell down this winter. No axe could be a help for me here, so I used a saw to cut off their limbs. Some of those Pinochios were heavy a lot - bringing me down to the ground through the layers of snow. I struggled. Then darkness came together with the stars and covered everything. I was exhausted so I stopped for a minute to have a rest, I lifted up my eyes and saw the Great Bear. I listened to the air, and heard a water flow in the brook sounding so calm.

I enjoyed everything that, and thought of how actually boring my life has become to lead me into the forest in the weekend alone.

I recalled then the first time I heard god speaking to me really loud in my dream a few years ago - I saw his angels - they spoke to me, spoke in riddles, showed me many things, things uncomprehensible. The place where I was looked so familiar - hills, meadows and forests, so latvian, but with temples everywhere, temples looking greek or roman very much, because of columns. I thought, that was heaven. Heaven, where to hide away from my boring, empty and looped everyday life. I had no objective, so I asked: where is my place? The voice of a Lord answered back then - these hills, meadows and forests is your home. I was assured! I sort of received a quest! I was also shown, what will happen, if I will not succeed - if I lose, I will become an aggressive guerilla with a junk rifle in a forest. Then I woke up.

I wanted to get back to that heaven place so much! But nope, all these years no more journeys... I remembered a recent conversation with Satan, so I thought God might have something to answer. I looked at the great bear again and asked: Forces of light or darkness, speak to me! I call for you! Silence, brook flows, wind, time passes. I am surprised - my imagination gives me nothing. Not even Satan. I started to think, that my emotions are much to flat thus making me dumb to hear spirits. Then suddenly God asked:

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And what do you expect to hear???