22 July 2017 @ 04:09 pm
 
gribas uzsaakt ko totaali jaunu un radikaalu, bet es domaaju, vai vispaar uz kaut ko taadu esmu speejiiga. jo man vairs nav izmisuma. bail teereet naudu kaut kam nelietderiigam = ko veelas sirds, bet pretiigi domaat par kaut kaa lietderiiga dariishanu. varbuut labaak neuzsaakt neko un vienkaarshi kraat naudu nekam

varbuut vieniigais praatiigais ko iespeeju, ir izlasiit daudz graamatu un vinjas patureet savaa galvaskausaa. aizvadiit dienas tiirot maaju un lasot graamatas, tiirot maaju un lasot graamatas, tiirot maaju un lasot graamatas

tiirot maaju un lasot graamatas


*

shodien maajaas, no vannasistabas kaapjot augshaa uz istabu, man uznaaca speeja patstaaviibas sajuuta. taadaa noziimee, ka jebkaada saistiiba kaada man jebkad bijusi ar cilveekiem ir beigusies vientuljaa tagadnes briidii. esmu tikai es un buushu tikai es. kameer cilveeki no manis var njemt ko tiem vajag, kameer vinji var mani apbizhot, kameer vinji var par mani nelikties ne zinis, kameer vinji var par mani intereseeties, tas viss apokopojot rezulteejas vientuljaa tagadnee. esmu tikai es sheit iekshaa sevii, visi cilveeki, kas ir staigaajushi apkaart manai sirdij, vai nu no taas atnjemot vai pieliekot, vinji tur nekad nav iekljuvushi iekshaa, jo tas taa jau arii nemaz nevar notikt. jo esmu tikai es un buushu tikai es. cik beediigi, cik viegli. un tagad es izdomaaju taa - manii iekshaa ir totaals klusums, un ar to klusumu ir tik viegli dariit lietas, tik viegli ljaut emocijaam izspeeleeties, bet neaizsniegt manu ieksheejo, sveeto, kluso tukshumu. emocijas, juus spindzeles, juus liekules, juus hieenas, juus voblas, juus muljkjes, juus piishlji. es pret tevi juutos pilniigi briivi arii tad kad nejuutos, jo es zinu, ka visam, visam, visam un visam seko vientuljsh tagadnes briidis, kuraa esmu tikai es.
 
 
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on July 22nd, 2017 - 06:30 pm
Ļoti labi. Jo vairāk apzināsies to "es", kas stāv pāri domām un emocijām, jo vieglāk kļūs, apparently.
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[info]methodrone on July 22nd, 2017 - 07:31 pm
Vieglaak - jaa, un taa ir jauna, savaada sajuuta. But I cannot stop thinking, ka taa savaa veidaa ir atvadiishanaas no 'everything that i thought of as my 'self', it feels like part of me is dead. And I am not sure if I like the part that remains - the unemotional, serene part, that in a way, is finished with everything before it's begun. And it's almost like, there is no room for thinking whether I like it or not - it just does not apply, does not matter anymore.
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on July 22nd, 2017 - 07:39 pm
Jā, the more you can cultivate this newfound sense of being, which connects to Being (universe), the more you will be able to use your mind as a tool willfully, not to identify with it or your negative feels, so that they run wild and control your life. It is scary to let go of identifying with your mind but actually that way you can achieve unlimited freedom from external circumstances.
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[info]methodrone on July 22nd, 2017 - 07:55 pm
Jaa this is truly so - here's to becoming radically stoic in your heart while/thus becoming more present in the world.
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briinumcepuminjsh[info]french_mime on July 22nd, 2017 - 07:56 pm
As in, you think your 'emotional body' and 'mind' is you but you actually know deep down inside that 'being' or 'awareness' is you, it is eternal. It doesn't mean creating an entirely new persona through your mind, just shifting your attention daily to being an observer of your mind and emotional body in the present moment.
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[info]methodrone on July 22nd, 2017 - 10:56 pm
I don't think they are 'me', but I feel like they are me, because it is just natural to feel that. I cultivate the feeling that is beyond feeling emotions and thinking thoughts. It takes time and effort, but the more you cultivate awareness the more ego (attachments to emotions and thoughts) you shed. And it does feel like undressing yourself, half scary half liberating.
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