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Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker. Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man! Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom. Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you? Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!
Father Ted: Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes! Father Dougal: Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.
Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about.
Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father? [offers him a cup of tea] Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!
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