| down day |
Jun. 16th, 2013|04:19 pm |
es pat neteiktu, ka šī ir kārtējā unconditional sadness lēkme. feels like i'm on a verge of nervous breakdown or a panic attack. it's like i'm worried 24/7.. un es nevaru mierīgi runāt with people - i'm getting all angry. un varbūt pie vainas ir the great unknown ar mikro eksāmenu, vai uztraukums par fizio, kurā man ir vsp zudusi ticība, ka es potenciāli viņu nokārtot, vai arī unknown par to, vai es paspēšu dabūt parakstu un zīmogu prakses papīriem, pārtverot prakses vadītāju pa ceļam uz lidostu un vai paspēšu tikt līdz Jelgavai in time, un gribētos zināt, ka viena putnkopības pasniedzēja otrai tomēr laicīgi būs nodevusi pārrakstītās ieskaites vērtējums un lopkopības kursu man ieskaitīs in general. un varbūt daļēji i'm worried about my godfather and his black stripe in life. un varbūt pie vainais ir voice ar visiem tiem cilvēkiem un viņu stāstiem un viņu vecākiem un draugiem - being so proud.. un it's not like i'm jealous - it's just i get really emotional [well a lot of crying is involved. and some people make me cry by their singing. un it's weird the low tolerance i have for real emotions..]
the stupidest thing about all this is - that i start to doubt myself, my decisions, my sense of purpose in this life. and i laugh at how one small failure can discourage me so much, and understanding this and thinking this makes so ashamed, that i go into that place - where i think of myself as a really weak person.. and thinking that leads to thinking - there's no point, i can't do it.
i hate weakness. hate it.
besides i can't remember my parents ever telling me that they are proud of me. i'm not saying - they are not proud, i'm just saying sometimes children need to hear it. [well maybe just vain children like me must hear it] all i hear is disappointment at my failures and no room for failing again. |
|