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[Jun. 22nd, 2007|08:26 am] |
The Top Things That Don't Ease Your Fear of Flying
- You recognize the pilot as the winner of the airport bar's 9:00 a.m. Jaeger Bomb contest. - 15. As you're waiting to board you see your pilot buying extra life insurance, a fifth of Scotch and the latest copy of "Today's Jihadist." - Whenever someone gets up mid-flight to head to the lavatory, the stewardess yells, "Dead man walkin'!" - You know your lunatic drunk of a former college roommate is a pilot for a major airline. - Each passenger is being asked to bring a quart of oil in their carry-on. - Watching the flight attendants demonstrate how to attach your seat belt, put on your oxygen mask, inflate your life vest, treat whiplash, apply a tourniquet, settle a flight insurance claim.... - The first class seat next to you is reserved for the spare tire changer -- and his spare tire. - In addition to being able to purchase drinks, snacks, entertainment options and pillow, the flight attendant offers an array of parachutes and casualty insurance options. - "Er... this is your stewardess speaking. Are there any, um, *other* pilots on board?" - "Hello, and we are thanking you for with you us flying Outsource Air!" - "Greetings: this is your pilot speaking. Since I know many of you are seeing Manhattan for the first time, I'm going to fly really low so you can get a great look at the buildings." - As passengers file onto the plane, you overhear the pilot mutter, "Gosh, I guess we really are doing this, then." - You notice that the identification badge on your pilot's lapel is for Taco Bell. - The stewardess makes "air quotes" with her fingers every time she says "Captain." - Seeing other passengers going into a screaming mid-flight panic -- especially when those passengers are on a different plane. - The pilot's guide dog has a major attitude problem.
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My friend Bill always wanted to live in an exclusive gated community, he just never thought it would be in Leavenworth, Kansas. Lee Entrekin
Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him his birth video in reverse and telling him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying. J. Murphy
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