|
Jun. 22nd, 2007|08:26 am |
The Top Things That Don't Ease Your Fear of Flying
- You recognize the pilot as the winner of the airport bar's 9:00 a.m. Jaeger Bomb contest.
- 15. As you're waiting to board you see your pilot buying extra life insurance, a fifth of Scotch and the latest copy of "Today's Jihadist."
- Whenever someone gets up mid-flight to head to the lavatory, the stewardess yells, "Dead man walkin'!"
- You know your lunatic drunk of a former college roommate is a pilot for a major airline.
- Each passenger is being asked to bring a quart of oil in their carry-on.
- Watching the flight attendants demonstrate how to attach your seat belt, put on your oxygen mask, inflate your life vest, treat whiplash, apply a tourniquet, settle a flight insurance claim....
- The first class seat next to you is reserved for the spare tire changer -- and his spare tire.
- In addition to being able to purchase drinks, snacks, entertainment options and pillow, the flight attendant offers an array of parachutes and casualty insurance options.
- "Er... this is your stewardess speaking. Are there any, um, *other* pilots on board?"
- "Hello, and we are thanking you for with you us flying Outsource Air!"
- "Greetings: this is your pilot speaking. Since I know many of you are seeing Manhattan for the first time, I'm going to fly really low so you can get a great look at the buildings."
- As passengers file onto the plane, you overhear the pilot mutter, "Gosh, I guess we really are doing this, then."
- You notice that the identification badge on your pilot's lapel is for Taco Bell.
- The stewardess makes "air quotes" with her fingers every time she says "Captain."
- Seeing other passengers going into a screaming mid-flight panic -- especially when those passengers are on a different plane.
- The pilot's guide dog has a major attitude problem.
***
My friend Bill always wanted to live in an exclusive gated community, he just never thought it would be in Leavenworth, Kansas.
Lee Entrekin
Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him his birth video in reverse and telling him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying.
J. Murphy
No TopFive.com |
|