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[Dec. 31st, 2009|01:59 pm] |
What is it with hairdressers and CIA mind-control conspiracy theories? Every beauty shop I walk past, they're putting tinfoil in their customers' hair.
Instead of worrying about disease-resistant crops or curing cancer in mice, I think those genetic scientists should find a way to engineer a cow with a spigot, to make it easier to milk.
Santa came *this* close to getting my Christmas wish exactly right! There I was at the Playboy Mansion, hangin' at the grotto with a bunch of naked primates.
The experts say we have to face our fears in order to conquer them. I was terrified of fire, clowns and heights, so naturally I lit a clown on fire and hurled him off a 20-story building. The experts were right -- it worked! Problem is I have a new fear now: psychotic cellmates.
The Top Scenes in a Military Sit-Com
- A soldier, a sailor, an airman and a Marine get together in a show about nothing.
- Sgt. Bilko III, due to redeploy to Iraq, hatches a scheme to go there ahead of time on his own, then convince Command that his orders are *obviously* inverted, since he's already there*. ( ... tālāk ... )
The Top Signs Your Tattoo Artist Is Mad at You
- When you asked for a "Bad Ass" tattoo this isn't what you meant.
- Says that increasing gas costs will make your Corvette tattoo more expensive. ( ... tālāk ... )
The Top Signs Santa Was Just Phoning It In This Year
- You get a postcard from Ft. Lauderdale of Santa lifting his Merry Christmas, Beyotches!" T-shirt to flash his moobs.
- Just mumbles, "Ho, etc." ( ... tālāk ... )
The Top Eco-Friendly Ways to Commute
- Coast downhill with the rest of the project.
- Why commute, when you can outsource all your jobs and run the company from home! ( ... tālāk ... )
The Top Xtreme Ways to Celebrate the Holiday Season
- Same as every year: smoke a few bowls using your classic '71 fruitcake bong
- Birthday cake for Jesus with 2000+ candles ( ... tālāk ... ) |
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[Dec. 31st, 2009|02:11 pm] |
Совет мужчинам на одном женском сайте: когда делаете своей подруге кунилингус - не пытайтесь всё время смотреть ей в глаза, потому что с её стороны вы выглядите как фашист выглядывающий из-за бруствера...
- Алло, это у вас можно заказать на дом Деда Мороза и Снегурочку?
- Да.
- Тогда пришлите нам, пожалуйста, пять Снегурочек и ящик водки!
- Доктор, выпишите мне Виагру!
- А что, проблемы?
- Да, доктор, на работу не стоит! Совсем... .
- Для работы таки лучше вазелин...
- Гришенька, - говорит жена, - это ничего, что я бросила нищему деньги?
- Правильно сделала. Слепой человек, надо помочь.
- Но ты же говорил, что они все только притворяются слепыми.
- Нет, этот настоящий слепой.
- Откуда ты знаешь?
- Он тебе сказал: "Спасибо, красавица! "
( ... tālāk ... ) |
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[Dec. 31st, 2009|02:41 pm] |
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Vareni... (video) |
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