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[Mar. 5th, 2009|10:06 am] |
Мудрым называется не тот, кто много и правильно думает, а тот, кого часто и не по делу цитируют.
Когда же наконец придумают компьютеры, которые по голосовой команде "Бл*дь!" отменяют все последние действия???
На телевидении разрешили рекламу кокаина. Первый же рекламный ролик начинался словами: "Раньше я пользовался обычным порошком..."
Встречаются три мужика в забегаловке. Все трое конкретно подпили. Первый говорит:
- Вот мы с женой если один раз в неделю занимаемся сексом, то это хорошо.
Второй говорит:
- Ну тебе повезло! Если я на свою залезаю раз в месяц, то это неплохо.
Третий говорит:
- Да вы просто счастливчики!!! Если бы моя жена не спала с открытым ртом, у меня бы вообще секса не было! |
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[Mar. 5th, 2009|01:45 pm] |
Actual Church Bulletins - these sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.( ... tālāk ... ) |
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[Mar. 5th, 2009|01:46 pm] |
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "Why, you have the biggest penis out of all your friends!"
A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the duck on top of the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink.
By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The barman realises that he hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for £500. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck.
Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his money back in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says - "There is one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?"
to which the man replies........
......."Oooh simple! - just take the lid off the biscuit box and blow out the candle!" |
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[Mar. 5th, 2009|01:50 pm] |
I figure the extra time I spend arguing with my multiple personalities is offset by the time I save being able to drive in the carpool lane.
mixmaven
I thought about going to a psychiatrist for help with the voices in my head, but all they whispered to me were recipes for gingerbread and hey, who can resist a good gingerbread recipe?
Peter Reinke
If you think having voices in your head is tough, think about what it's like to have voices in your rectum.
Reginleif the Valkyrie
The Top Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Psychiatrist Say
- "Go ahead. Jump."
- "Well, now there's side-effect I hadn't heard about."( ... tālāk ... )
The Top Ways to Tell Someone They Have a Hygiene Problem
- Begin speaking to them in French.
- Ask if they have another piece of "that ass-flavored gum."( ... tālāk ... ) |
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