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[Mar. 5th, 2009|01:50 pm] |
I figure the extra time I spend arguing with my multiple personalities is offset by the time I save being able to drive in the carpool lane.
mixmaven
I thought about going to a psychiatrist for help with the voices in my head, but all they whispered to me were recipes for gingerbread and hey, who can resist a good gingerbread recipe?
Peter Reinke
If you think having voices in your head is tough, think about what it's like to have voices in your rectum.
Reginleif the Valkyrie
The Top Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Psychiatrist Say
- "Go ahead. Jump."
- "Well, now there's side-effect I hadn't heard about."
- "Forget Freud. Mengele was the man."
- "Remember, it's down the river not across the street."
- "Would you like a copy of my new book, 'Treating Depression Without Prescriptions'?"
- "You're not sitting in the wet spot, are you?"
- "This imaginary friend of yours... is she hot?"
- "Let's talk about that time you walked in on your mom and dad. Be detailed."
The Top Ways to Tell Someone They Have a Hygiene Problem
- Begin speaking to them in French.
- Ask if they have another piece of "that ass-flavored gum."
- "Waste Management Magazine called; they're looking for a centerfold."
- "I bet dogs love rolling in you."
- Remember that Police video with all the candles? Re-create that in their cubicle, but instead of candles, use air fresheners.
- Give her a necklace of little pine trees.
- Report all the dead canaries and let PETA handle it.
- "Which word didn't you understand: lather, rinse, or repeat?"
- "Monica Lewinsky was a special situation -- and besides it wasn't hers, Dave."
- By phone or e-mail.
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