Carpe · Diem

Vai šī nav brīniškīga meitene?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYuEtUPBHPY&ab_channel=StichtingTettix

Kā, kā tikt atpakaļ pie šī. Kā es negribu ieberzties attiecībās ceturto reizi dzīvē. Es nesaku, ka man visas attiecības neizdevušās, tie nebija man piemēroti partneri, arī A., šobrīdējais negaidīti dziļais sirdsākītis nav, bet es gribētu iziet kā uzvarētāja. Ziniet, kad esi uzvarētājs? Kad esi ar tīru sirdsapziņu pats pret sevi, jo zini, ka esi mirdzējis. Nevis bakstījies ar knābi pa zemi, bet, darbojies, NEATKARĪGI no otra cilvēka uzvedības, savā augstākajā potenciālā. Vakar, teiksim, es taču varēju vispār nereaģēt uz A. neadekvāto uzvedību, tā vietā, izvēlējos būt atbildē tikpat neadekvāta. Rezultātā, iespējas (kura iespējams, pat nav iespēja, bet manas iedomas, taču jebkāds gaismas stariņš, pat kam nav iespējams piekerties, ir labāks par tumsu), uz labu mūsu potenciālu, ar katru šādu reizi (lielākās neveiksmīgās bija aprīļa beigas, jūlija vidus un tagad oktobra vidus, ar mazākām neveiksmītēm regulāri) rūk līdz minimumam:(( Ja tagad, 30 gados, skatos uz sevi 24os un domāju, johaidī, kas tā par meiteni bija, un, kad labs draugs, šobrīd 25gadīgais, stāsta par tādām pašām sajūtām kā man toreiz, un man savos 30 jāatbild, ka man joprojām nav atbilžu - kā būs vēl 40 gados, kad skatīšos uz sevi 30gadīgu un domāšu, cik labi toreiz bija, kaut šodien realitātē pēc neveiksmes velkos pa zemi (A. ir tikai izraisītāja, jo ir vienīga šo 1000 iespēju jūrā, kura ir aizskārusi sirniņu, ko es varu darīt, ka man katra viduvējība sirdī neiekrīt)?
Man jau tagad ir nožēla.
Jo atbilde taču tikko atnāca:
MIRDZĒT. NEATKARĪGI.
Sasodīts. Varētu jau sākt tagad, man ir tik žēl par jau izčakarēto, kas, iespējams, ir nogriezis iespējas līdz minimumam un tādēļ ir pelēks mākonis pāri visam. Ja vien. Viņa dotu vēl vienu iespēju uzmirdzēt.

I choose to accept that a mistake only becomes a failure when I don’t learn from it.
/quora dzīles/

"I think to some extent you have to look deep into yourself to see why you would harm someone you love and why you would destroy a relationship which you value. It’s sort of like burning down your home. There has to be something going on to do that.
For me there is I think a self-destructive part of my nature which in turn is perhaps linked to a lack of self-confidence that I could sustain that relationship - all mingled with a dose of boredom, a big splash of selfishness and a sense that I could break the rules and that JayZed was really into me so I could do what I wanted.
—/
I don’t have any advice but I think that’s a decent starting point: Why did you burn down the house?"
/quora dzīles

Un vēl
Try this.
Don’t forgive yourself for two months. Keep heaping blame on yourself. Berate yourself. Wallow in grief. Don’t let any new joy or love into your life. Yell at others so they’re upset with you and will help you punish yourself. Wear a thick rubber band around your wrist and every 5 minutes pull it and snap it, hurting yourself. Ask every girl you meet, nicely, if she’d be interested in spanking you- both to hurt you as well as embarrass you. Because you deserve it.
Then at the end of two months, evaluate how well that’s been working for you.
“Forgiving” is a misleading term. Forgiving isn’t really something anyone can do. Sure, you can say it or mean it or something like that. But forgiving is really STOPPING BLAMING. It’s just the end of putting negative energy into your own life about something that happened in the past and isn’t happening any more.
We just get into these habits of hurting ourselves and don’t realize we’re doing it. Your brain is actually putting energy into remembering her and your hopes and how those hopes are gone now. Plus, it thinks it SHOULD do this, that somehow doing this self-punishing effort is going to help it not do it next time. This is some of the very primitive programming of the brain.
To “forgive yourself”, stop trying. Instead, put your energy on noticing what it was thinking of when it started remembering about whats-her-name. How did that unforgiving trigger work? And then notice how it builds up steam. See its mechanisms. Notice what other negative times it associates with it- like some other time you thought you failed or were worthless or not good enough. Notice all the little details of your little “I messed it up” song and dance.
If you do this diligently, it’ll be gone in a few days. But if you forget, and get caught up in the drama as if it’s real, it can last a lifetime. It’s your choice, actually. Unless you pretend it’s not…

HMM

Un vēl vēl
"But first you have to take full responsibility for your depression and not fault him for being unable or even unwilling to deal with it. He has a right to take care of himself by creating the healthiest environment for himself that is possible. Now, if you were married, that would be different, because he would have made a lifelong commitment in sickness and in health. But a toxic person is not someone most people are eager to spend their lives with, so try to to work on yourself and become happy on your own, then share that happiness with a partner, instead of expecting it to be supplied by a partner."