18:13 - raksts no www.vision.org.
Baseball hard-hitter Harmon Killebrew tells a story that hints at the importance of fathers to boys: “My
father used to play with my brother and me in the yard,” he says on his
Web site. “Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the
grass.’ ‘We’re not raising grass,’ Dad would reply. ‘We’re raising
boys.’”
Obviously, Killebrew’s
father was tuned in to the needs of his sons, an admirable quality that
seems only natural in a man. We accept that every boy needs a father as
easily as we accept the notion that he needs a dog. But while society
is beginning to acknowledge that a father is more
crucial than a dog to a boy’s well-being, the question of how important
fathers are to the well-being of their daughters has all but been
ignored.
A search through online
journals on family studies using the terms “fathers” and “daughters”
does not prove entirely fruitless, of course. An abundance of material
is available, nearly all of it exploring the psychological effects of
incest and other dysfunctions. Unfortunately, however, there is very
little that would lead anyone to believe that more positive
relationships even exist between fathers and daughters, much less that
such relationships may also have a profound and vital effect on a
woman’s mental health.
This gap has been
addressed by only a few researchers, one of whom is Linda Nielsen,
professor of adolescent psychology and women’s studies at Wake Forest
University in North Carolina. Nielsen has been teaching a “Fathers and
Daughters” course there since 1991 and authored its current textbook, Embracing Your Father: How to Create the Relationship You Always Wanted With Your Dad (McGraw Hill, 2004).
“Do you realize how rare incest is between a biological father and daughter?” she asked rhetorically in a recent interview with Vision. “It
is extremely rare. When we talk about girls who are victims of incest,
that term, to psychologists and sociologists, covers being sexually
abused by cousins, uncles, stepfathers, stepbrothers, brothers,
half-brothers, men who live with your mother who are not related—that
all goes into the category of incest victims. But when you look into
the percentage of girls who were sexually abused by their biological
fathers, it is very small. What this tells me, just as it told you—is
that researchers have the wrong focus when it comes to studying
father-daughter relationships.”
This wrong focus may contribute to the misconception that daughters don’t need their fathers after a certain age. “My
students tell me that their fathers stopped doing things with them when
they became teenagers—like going camping with them alone on the
weekends—because it would look weird,” says Nielsen. “Once puberty
hits, you aren’t supposed to spend as much time with your daughter.
Once she’s a teenager, you’re supposed to back off and let Mom have the
main relationship. If that’s the message you’re sent and you’re told
that’s what a ‘good father’ does, then that’s what you’re going to do.”
This goes hand-in-hand with another stereotype that harms father-daughter relationships. “We
portray fathers more negatively than we portray mothers in media,” says
Nielsen. “Dad’s a blockhead when it comes to child raising—especially
with his daughter. Mom is considered the expert. These messages
discourage fathers from being actively involved.”
According to Nielsen, most men would like to
be involved, and she adds, “Fathers do spend more time with their kids
than in the past.” But she says some changes still need to occur.
Although company work-life balance programs for men and women are
becoming increasingly popular in Western nations, “men still spend an
average of 15 more hours a week at work and commuting than their
employed wives do, and American fathers spend about 70 more hours each
year at work than do men in other industrialized countries. Dads still
don’t have as much time as moms to be with kids.”
Clearly, as a society we remain unconvinced
of how crucial fathers are to their children—particularly to their
daughters. But would we be convinced if we read the research?
Vanderbilt University researchers have long
known that girls who have supportive, involved fathers enter puberty
later than girls whose fathers are distant or absent, and this is not
as insignificant to a woman’s quality of life as it may seem. In 2003
researchers at the Cincinnati, Ohio, Children’s Hospital noted a link
between early onset of menstruation and adult obesity. But there’s
more. When early onset of menstruation was marked by early breast
development, there was an associated rise in the risk for breast
cancer. The accompanying factors may be complex, but there is certainly
more to be explored in the association between good father-daughter
relationships and a healthy future for adult females.
Beyond physical health, of course, the right
attention from fathers can confer other benefits, as studies continue
to demonstrate.
One such study was conducted in the United
States and New Zealand in 2003, by Bruce J. Ellis, professor of family
studies and human development at the University of Arizona, and several
of his colleagues. The researchers listed a variety of the negative
outcomes adolescent girls set themselves up for when they have early
sexual experiences. “Specifically,” they note, “adolescent childbearing
is associated with lower educational and occupational attainment, more
mental and physical health problems, inadequate social support networks
for parenting, and increased risk of abuse and neglect for children
born to teen mothers. Despite these consequences, the United States and
New Zealand have the first and second highest rates of teenage
pregnancy among Western industrialized countries. . . . Given these
costs to adolescents and their children, it is critical to identify
life experiences and pathways that place girls at increased risk for
early sexual activity and adolescent pregnancy.”
After following a combined total of
approximately 900 subjects from preschool to late adolescence, the
researchers concluded that “father absence was an overriding risk
factor for early sexual activity and adolescent pregnancy. Conversely,
father presence was a major protective factor against early sexual
outcomes, even if other factors were present” (emphasis added).
Ellis and his colleagues were not the first
to make the association between strong father-daughter relationships
and healthy sexual outcomes, of course, nor were they the most recent.
Mark Regnerus, a sociologist at the
University of Texas at Austin, reported similar findings in February
2006. In a study involving 10,000 students between 7th and 12th grade,
Regnerus reiterated that girls who had positive relationships with
involved fathers waited longer to have their first sexual experience.
He added, “Girls who have poor relationships with their dads tend to
seek attention from other males at earlier ages and often this will
involve a sexual relationship.” This surprising characteristic of
strong father-daughter relationships was not duplicated between mothers
and daughters.
Nielsen’s own research has been conducted
among her college students over a span of more than 15 years, and like
other researchers before her, she acknowledges that positive fathering
produces well-adjusted, confident and successful daughters who relate
well to other men in their lives. Unfortunately, she says, fathers tend
to spend less time with their daughters than with their sons, and many
do not see anything negative about this. Nielsen also points out that
“most of these fathers and daughters do not communicate, share personal
things, or get to know one another as well as mothers and daughters.”
One might wonder how she hopes her course for
young college women will change this. Shouldn’t she be talking to their
dads? What can a young woman do to close the distance if her childhood
is behind her, and with it, seemingly, any chance of a good
relationship with her father? According to Nielsen, plenty!
Unfortunately, many women are held back by the belief that their father
should make the first move, or that patterns of communication in their
relationship are so entrenched that they cannot be changed. Or perhaps
they’ve tried some of the strategies before, without result.
Nevertheless, Nielsen assures her students, the strategies she outlines
in her class and its textbook will bring about changes. Indeed, the greatest changes may occur in the daughters themselves.
“Let’s say that your pessimistic assumptions
turn out to be right,” she offers in her textbook. “No matter how many
of my suggestions you try . . . your relationship with your father
doesn’t get any better. Yes, you’ll be disappointed, frustrated, and
sad—and maybe angry. But these are the same feelings you had before you
started. So you really haven’t lost anything. And I seriously doubt
that you’re going to regret having tried. Every daughter I know who has
reached out and tried again, regardless of the outcome, feels better
about herself. It’s as if she has lifted a weight off her shoulders.
Like these daughters, you can give yourself the gift of pride and
respect that comes from being active instead of passive, from acting
like an adult instead of a child.”
Acting like an adult, in Nielsen’s view,
includes understanding that daughters may also have contributed to the
stereotypes that keep their fathers distant. Daughters may keep things
from their fathers under the assumption that their fathers would
respond more critically than their mothers. Daughters may assume
fathers aren’t as nurturing or intuitive as mothers are, and may avoid
going to them for personal advice and comfort.
Mothers may also contribute to the problem
through what some researchers call “gatekeeping” behaviors. A 2005
study by the National Council on Family Relations explains that
maternal gatekeeping may take a number of forms, any one of
which "either encourages or discourages fathers from acting on their
paternal identity. . . . One path to changing fathers’ behavior may
involve changing the way that mothers look at them. If mothers believe
that fathers can and should be capable parents, they are more likely to
allow fathers into the lives of their children.”
Nielsen agrees this can be a factor. Her
recommendation to her students is “Don’t build a road to Dad through
Mom.” Unfortunately, Nielsen’s study of the data collected from her
students between 1990 and 2004 revealed that most daughters do go
through their mother to reach their father, which has the effect of
pushing him away and diminishing their odds of improving their
relationship.
So then, does all of the responsibility for
good father-daughter relationships fall on daughters? Of course not.
Especially while they have young children, fathers carry the bulk of
the responsibility for spending as much quality time as realistically
possible with their children, whether girls or boys. But as they
mature, sons and daughters can contribute to the effort too. Eventually
there comes a time when the best way to turn the heart of a father to
his daughter is for his daughter to turn her heart to her father.
gribēju rakstīt, ka
- viss jau būtu jauki un skaisti, ja tikai mans sencītis būtu dzīvs, un man būtu, ar ko tās ģēlas sabīdīt, -
bet tad iedomājos, ka varbūt nāves faktors darbojas gluži pretēji, un man vismaz nebūs jāsaskaras ar pretestību no viņa puses, lai arī ko es izdomātu viņam teikt.
(es gribu nokārtot rēķinus.) Mūzika: The Knife - NY Hotel
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