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[Jan. 4th, 2012|09:02 pm] |
it has been a while..again...i wonder why now again?
i guess it because im struggling again...
i guess its time to let my my mind flow again..let it clear itself...its been a while...way too long..
how do i focus my mind on things that are important for me...what is important for me?i dont know..not anymore..i thought i was clear about it..several times before..i thought that it was all clear..once or twice..but to be honest...most of my life ive been here..in uncertainty of my head...
wishing to be an emulator doesnt really help me..keeping all options open either...but there are so many options that fascinate me...that take my breath and give a spin to my imagination..and it is so easy to write this right now that i started thinking that i should be a writer..but i am just tricking myself..again...i know how my mind works...once its a task..my creativity,inspiration and dedication leave me...and i am stuck..in my own head...
i often wonder how do other people do that?how do they force themselves to work...to go into action..how?
is it only habit?is it a talent?
is it an awareness of a goal?probably..bigger or smaller?probably both...
i think the key of everything is lazyness..but if i think about it more i think its probably anxiety...anxiety about uncertainty..about my abilities, about the usefullness of my efforts..on the surface im always postponing because it feels like its requiring too much mental effort..much like chess..too many moves ahead,too many things i dont know...how do other people do it?do they read everything before?do they do it piece by piece?do they just skate over?guess so...i cannot believe that they attmpt to combine things on the level i try...or at least i like to tell myself so...
wow...i guess i really needed to rant..i think i should come here more often...just to steam out...just to let myself breath..think...
nobody else cares..and they shouldnt...i shouldnt..but i do..and i hope i will not after i finish this...
now i put a dot and return to my thesis.
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[Jan. 4th, 2012|11:37 pm] |
body language.
is my language.
words are brutal.words are dangerous.words hurt.
body language is pure. no lies. no pretence. no hiding.
dont try, i will read you anyway.
words.words confuse me. |
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[Jan. 4th, 2012|11:40 pm] |
how to be free?
timeless question. extraordinarily devoid of answers.
be.
be is the answer.
its you and yourself. it is and it always has been.
circumstances are only as hard as you let them to be.
but no.no im not talking about blocking them. embrace and let go..embrace and let go.
but where is humanity then?
is it human to be detached?
is it human to be free?
what is human?
the ability to feel,think,express.
also the ability to choose. choose reactions,feelings,expressions.
then why choose the ones that hurt?
because we are infinitely afraid.
afraid to be free..free of emotions..free of purpose..free of goal...lost.
daily struggles and misfortunes keep us tied up, prisoned,grounded,safe. we dont need to think about the endless universe and our counted uncertain days.we dont need to ask why?just how?..and how? is an easy one...concrete,real,testable...
the same fear of our mortality is what keeps us locked away, timid, unexpressive..disgust.they taught me that disgust is what keeps us sane. when being disgusted we dont need to think about our animalness...about our mortality...about our weakness..excrements,blood, sperm, rotting things..they all remind us how easy it is to die. |
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