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[Jan. 4th, 2012|09:02 pm] |
it has been a while..again...i wonder why now again?
i guess it because im struggling again...
i guess its time to let my my mind flow again..let it clear itself...its been a while...way too long..
how do i focus my mind on things that are important for me...what is important for me?i dont know..not anymore..i thought i was clear about it..several times before..i thought that it was all clear..once or twice..but to be honest...most of my life ive been here..in uncertainty of my head...
wishing to be an emulator doesnt really help me..keeping all options open either...but there are so many options that fascinate me...that take my breath and give a spin to my imagination..and it is so easy to write this right now that i started thinking that i should be a writer..but i am just tricking myself..again...i know how my mind works...once its a task..my creativity,inspiration and dedication leave me...and i am stuck..in my own head...
i often wonder how do other people do that?how do they force themselves to work...to go into action..how?
is it only habit?is it a talent?
is it an awareness of a goal?probably..bigger or smaller?probably both...
i think the key of everything is lazyness..but if i think about it more i think its probably anxiety...anxiety about uncertainty..about my abilities, about the usefullness of my efforts..on the surface im always postponing because it feels like its requiring too much mental effort..much like chess..too many moves ahead,too many things i dont know...how do other people do it?do they read everything before?do they do it piece by piece?do they just skate over?guess so...i cannot believe that they attmpt to combine things on the level i try...or at least i like to tell myself so...
wow...i guess i really needed to rant..i think i should come here more often...just to steam out...just to let myself breath..think...
nobody else cares..and they shouldnt...i shouldnt..but i do..and i hope i will not after i finish this...
now i put a dot and return to my thesis.
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