drupachas

drupachas

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[	archive	\|	journal archive	]

	[Jan. 4th, 2012\|11:40 pm]
how to be free? timeless question. extraordinarily devoid of answers. be. be is the answer. its you and yourself. it is and it always has been. circumstances are only as hard as you let them to be. but no.no im not talking about blocking them. embrace and let go..embrace and let go. but where is humanity then? is it human to be detached? is it human to be free? what is human? the ability to feel,think,express. also the ability to choose. choose reactions,feelings,expressions. then why choose the ones that hurt? because we are infinitely afraid. afraid to be free..free of emotions..free of purpose..free of goal...lost. daily struggles and misfortunes keep us tied up, prisoned,grounded,safe. we dont need to think about the endless universe and our counted uncertain days.we dont need to ask why?just how?..and how? is an easy one...concrete,real,testable... the same fear of our mortality is what keeps us locked away, timid, unexpressive..disgust.they taught me that disgust is what keeps us sane. when being disgusted we dont need to think about our animalness...about our mortality...about our weakness..excrements,blood, sperm, rotting things..they all remind us how easy it is to die.
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	[Jan. 4th, 2012\|11:37 pm]
body language. is my language. words are brutal.words are dangerous.words hurt. body language is pure. no lies. no pretence. no hiding. dont try, i will read you anyway. words.words confuse me.
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	[Jan. 4th, 2012\|09:02 pm]
it has been a while..again...i wonder why now again? i guess it because im struggling again... i guess its time to let my my mind flow again..let it clear itself...its been a while...way too long.. how do i focus my mind on things that are important for me...what is important for me?i dont know..not anymore..i thought i was clear about it..several times before..i thought that it was all clear..once or twice..but to be honest...most of my life ive been here..in uncertainty of my head... wishing to be an emulator doesnt really help me..keeping all options open either...but there are so many options that fascinate me...that take my breath and give a spin to my imagination..and it is so easy to write this right now that i started thinking that i should be a writer..but i am just tricking myself..again...i know how my mind works...once its a task..my creativity,inspiration and dedication leave me...and i am stuck..in my own head... i often wonder how do other people do that?how do they force themselves to work...to go into action..how? is it only habit?is it a talent? is it an awareness of a goal?probably..bigger or smaller?probably both... i think the key of everything is lazyness..but if i think about it more i think its probably anxiety...anxiety about uncertainty..about my abilities, about the usefullness of my efforts..on the surface im always postponing because it feels like its requiring too much mental effort..much like chess..too many moves ahead,too many things i dont know...how do other people do it?do they read everything before?do they do it piece by piece?do they just skate over?guess so...i cannot believe that they attmpt to combine things on the level i try...or at least i like to tell myself so... wow...i guess i really needed to rant..i think i should come here more often...just to steam out...just to let myself breath..think... nobody else cares..and they shouldnt...i shouldnt..but i do..and i hope i will not after i finish this... now i put a dot and return to my thesis. 1 2 3 .
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drops.	[Oct. 19th, 2010\|04:33 pm]
october rain. joy and sorrows whirling in a never-ending carnival. never enough, always too much. wish I could find some sanity. she embraces me. soothes and suffocates. sometimes I wish I were free.
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taa gan	[Oct. 5th, 2008\|01:32 am]
ielogojos jo gribeeju saakt rakstiit. bija taa speeciigaa dzinja atkal. bet aizlasiijos.pagaajushajaa gadaa. interesanti kaa laiks pluust un mainaas. un liela dalja no taako rakstiiju un par ko sapnjoju saak kljuut par patiesiibu. sajutos ljoti labi. jo shkjiet ka mans celjsh iet uz priekshu. ir tikai drusku bailiigi. bet arii tas laikam pieder pie celja un piedziivojuma. galvenais ka lai arii atceros pagaajushaa gada saapes un bezceriibu un joprojaam speeju ar to identificeeties...taa vairs nav patiesiiba.vairs ne. juutos tik tieshaam jauna un speeciiga. juutos speejiiga panaakt visu ko veelos. veel joprojaam nedaudz maac bailes par kljuudaam un nepilniibaam tachu ljaujos tam arvien mazaak. un ljauju sev buut un dariit. un tieshaam ielieku puules un centiibu tajaa ko daru. un redzu kaa tas atmaksaajas. gan no aarpuses gan man pashai.jau ljoti ilgu laiku neesmu bijusi tik apmierinaata ar sevi un to ko daru. mani neapmierina kompromisi un es nedriikstu tiem ljauties. lai arii cik kaardinoshi tie kaadreiz neliktos.
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kaa taa??	[Sep. 8th, 2008\|09:22 am]
es tam ljaushos..es ljaushos vınjıem manı atbalstııt un maacııt..es ljaushos..varbuut ka taa es ıeguushu ko jaunu...es tam ljaushos..aı Dıevınj man vajag tavu palııdzııbu laı to pıenjemtu un akcepteetu... luudzu atbrııvo manı no shıı nemıera...un aızvaınojuma..un ljauj man to noskaıdrot un pıenjemt.. es ljaujos un pıenjemu...es ljaujos un pıenjemu.. kas vınjam vaınes??
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	[Aug. 24th, 2008\|07:46 am]
shonakt dikti daudz domu un maz vaardu izrakstiiju visus vaardus veestulee atkal. interesanti...tik..tik..mieriigi..pavisam tiiri...un mieriigi... tagad gan sirds atkal satraucaas...bet kaut kaa citaadi...savaa zinjaa viss ir daudz daudz droshaak..ir iekshaa taa paarlieciiba ka ir...un ka nekad nekad nebuus...gluzhi vienkaarshi zinu...un tas dod labu devu mierinja:)) tagad ieshu padzerties un tad saakshu otro tuuri:))
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breathless.pagaidaam nokluseejumaa.

[Jun. 19th, 2008|10:32 am]

[

music

U2-Pride

]

ai.
miilu vinju arvien vairaak un vairaak.
it sevishkji tagad kad taa autoritaates probleema vairs nespiezh manu praatu.

es ceru ka vakardienas godiigums,atklaatiiba un sharings nekur nezudiis.

un
es tieshaam ceru ka vinja buutu gatava tur doties:)

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re-kaa:))

[Jun. 1st, 2008|06:14 pm]

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results

Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Poise	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Leadership	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Provocativeness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Self-Disclosure	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Talkativeness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Group Attachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Understanding	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Pleasantness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Tenderness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Nurturance	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Conscientiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Efficiency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Purposefulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Organization	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Rationality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Planning	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Happiness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Moderation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Toughness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Impulse Control	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Imperturbability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cool-headedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Tranquility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Ingenuity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Reflection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Competence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Quickness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Introspection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Creativity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Depth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	42%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	50%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	70%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	70%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	62%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	62%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	62%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	58%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	54%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	70%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	66%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	66%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	70%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	74%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	66%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	62%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	66%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	54%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	46%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	34%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	30%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	38%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	70%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	30%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	66%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	54%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	22%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	66%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	62%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	70%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	58%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	70%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	58%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	30%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	66%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	42%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	62%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	70%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	74%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	66%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	74%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	74%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	62%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	66%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	82%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

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	[May. 15th, 2008\|11:00 pm]
shodien gribaas izrakstiit sirdi. nee..patiesiibaa man gribas ieritinaaties kaadam azotee un kopaa skatiities kaadu izcili muljkjiigu un romantisku filmu. hah. briizhiem shkjiet ka nokjeru to supportera fiilingu nedaudz par daudz. par daudz prieksh manis jo joprojaam nesaprotu ko ar to dariit un kaa to izmantot darbiibaa. shobriid netieku taalaak par domaam par to. bet nu. vakars jau laikam veel garsh. un veel man gribaas sanjemt skaistu, garu un emocionaalu meilu no siltajaam zemeem.
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...	[Apr. 16th, 2008\|05:18 pm]
freeedom-freeeedom-freeeeeeedooooommm!!:)) visu aaraa. vakar un shodien. saakumaa ar turkiem peec tam ar griekjiem. uh. viegli. tagad veel ar letinjiem:)
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feja

[Apr. 15th, 2008|09:15 pm]

[

music

Carina Round - Paris

]

mans kjermenis atkal reagjee uz manaam emocijaam.
slimums atkal naak virsuu.
bet shobriid neredzu citu veidu kaa tikt galaa kaa vien gaidiit un cereet
un aizstraadaat/aizguleet liidz 6dienai
kad
atkal zvaniishu.

bet
patiesiibaa jau ceru ka tik ilgi nebuus jaagaida..un driiz pienaaks vestule ar
uzaicinaajumu
veelreiz

un
atziishanos bailees.
un miilestiibaa.

jo
izraadaas ka klusums peec atklaatiibas ir tikpat naaveejosh kaa
tukshums peec nokluseeshanas.

ai.
griekjija.
griekjija.

un jau atkal ir sajuuta ka ir.
tikai shoreiz diezgan publiski.
sleedzinja sleedzinja ceru ka shii bus mana veiksmes atsleedzinja.

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	[Mar. 7th, 2008\|12:42 pm]
oij. sasaapeejaas sirds. fuij. nu nepatiik man ar vinju runaat vairs-jo katru reizi vinjsh piemin vinju. un man saap. un atkal briidii kad shkjita ka esmu palaidusi. vai es tieshaam noliedzu saapes vai arii shis ir tikai emociju sakaapinaajums?? man prieks. man prieks ka vinja straadaa peec visiem principiem. varbuut ka taadaa veidaa vinjai izdosies:) es ceru un turu iikshkjus par to. bet es nesaprotu kas mani atkal sasaapinaaja.. varbuut fraaze ka vinja negribeeja lai es to zinu. un vinjai bija taisniiba. buutu labaak ja es nezinaatu. man tik ljoti gribaas rast sirdsmieru. un man saap. bet es tikshu ar to galaa. izsaapeeshu un paardziivoshu. atkal. vasaru tachu es paardziivoju. un jaa. vairs nesaap. ir vienalga. yes:) tagad tikai jaatrod veids kaa paardziivot sho. kas man saap: tas ka esmu aaraa. jaa. tas ka peekshnji esmu aaraa no vinjas dziives bet ka vinja veel joprojaam ir maneejaa. vinja ir tik dzilji tajaa iesuukusies ka man gruuti paskatiities apkaart lai kkas neatgaadinaatu par vinju. hah. es nevaru pat spogulii paskatiities bez atminjaam un nostalgjijas. bet. jaa. varbuut tieshi nostaljgjija ir taa kas visu medus podu gandee. mums bija labi. un es vienmeer ar siltumu atcereeshos sho posmu savaa dziivee bet nu ir laiks doties taalaak un atklaat jaunus cilveekus vietas un skaistumu. un ir tik daudz ko atklaat. un miileet. un es miilu. es iemiilos visaa pasaulee. un man tas patiik. un es nesaprotu kas ar vinju notiek. bet es gribu vinju palaist. palaist aizmirst. nee. es negribu aizmirst. bet es gribu beigt atcereeties,praatot,kalkuleet,meegjinaat izprast. es saprotu ka es tikai teereeju energjiju. veltiigi. jo neticu ka taa kkaa vinjai paliidz. es pat nezinu vai vinjai kaada paliidziiba maz ir vajadziiga. tagad ieshu kaadu apskaut:)
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in between	[Feb. 16th, 2008\|11:31 am]
kazarmas. turks gulj manaa priekshaa letargjiskaa miegaa, pa kreisi poliete laiski snauduljo kameer vinjas puika izdvesh diivainas skanjas no tualetes. un protams shnjaacoshais kvartets augshaa. izbaudu ik mirkli nedomaajot. nedomaajot par tiem kas aizbrauca un tiem no kuriem aizbraucu es. varbuut tiri labi ka bagaatie iirnieki veel nebrauc. esmu spiesta izbaudiit skaistumu man apkaart. shobriid gruuti iedomaties ka veel pirms paaris nedeeljaam naktiis mociijos ar saapeem un bezmiegu un noguleeju veelaak guljot liidz iestaajas tumsa. aaraa spiid sauliite un smarzho peec pavasara.
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[Feb. 14th, 2008|03:04 pm]

[	mood	\|	content	]
[	music	\|	silence	]

miilestiiba.
paari pluustosha.
un visaptverosha.
briizhiem piejauktaas ilgas un shaubas to tikai stiprinaaja.

milziigs fokuss un nodoshnaas darbam.
bez shaubaam vai jautaajumiem.

vinja ir pasaules labaakais buddy.
goda vaards.
tik daudz miilestiibas un uzticiibas.
un emociju.
un sarunu.
smieklu un prieka.
un tiiriibas.
pusstundu gari apskaavieni shkjita daudz par iisu.
miilu.

vinja.
miers.
un pilniiga uzticiiba.
praktiski nekaadu sarunu.
briishiem shkjita ka vaardi to tikai bojaa.tikai bojaa muusu beznosaciijumu miilestiibu.
katrs apskaaviens kaa pilniiga bateriju uzlaade.
un kaa narkotika.
tik vienkaarshi un tik pilniigi.
pilniigi skaidraa apzinja un bezpaliidziigaa atziishanaas.
bez jautaajuma kaa var miileet kaadu ko teju paziisti.

vinjsh.
ai.tik
tik skaisti.
ar asaraam aciis.

Lovin' You - Minnie Riperton

Lovin' you is easy cause you're beautiful
Makin' love with you is all i wanna do
Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true
And everything that i do is out of lovin' you
La la la la la la la... do do do do do

No one else can make me feel
The colors that you bring
Stay with me while we grow old

And we will live each day in springtime
Cause lovin' you has made my life so beautiful
And every day my life is filled with lovin' you

Lovin' you i see your soul come shinin' through
And every time that we oooooh
I'm more in love with you
La la la la la la la... do do do do do

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redz kaa lasa ar.	[Jan. 31st, 2008\|02:34 pm]
neguleta nakts. tas kungjis-oijoijoij.vilma lulle saka ka taas esot dusmas un niknums-vai tu re kaa??:) daudz shaubu domu un sarunu. rinkjii vien,rinkjii vien.. bet kameer nonaacu liidz berga bazaaram lielaa saape jau bij izsaapeeta un mierinjsh atrasts. kaa veelaak izraadiijaas briidii kad atzinu un atlaidu un ar biljeti kabataa iznaacu tas vieglums un smaidinjsh nebija tikai par kaarteejo kjeksiiti to-do listee. tieshi tajaa briidii tiku atlaista arii es. gan ar piedoshanu gan atvainoshanos. neiespeejami aprakstiit cik ljoti vieglaak man palika. fiziski.elpot,paiet,ieest,domat. tagad tikai luudzu lielos debesu speekus paliidzeet vienreiz to izdziivot un tikt paari, jo pati paliidzeet nespeeju,nekaa.vairs nekaa. man vinju vajadzees kad buushu atpakalj.
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finito	[Jan. 30th, 2008\|12:27 am]
oijoijoij. veestuli nosuutiiju. viss. un man pat nebija jaaveic atfrendoshanaas un blokjeeshana jo kaads jau bija pacenties mnaaa vietaa. nu ko. gadaas arii taa. visu labu. tagad varu aizbraukt ar nosaciiti mieriigu sirdi. man nepatiik pielikt punktu attieciibaam. bet labaak pielikt punktu nekaa klausiities melus un liekuliigas atrunas.
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un vispaar..	[Jan. 29th, 2008\|12:01 am]
..buusim preciizi. la femme fatale :)
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vestule.	[Jan. 28th, 2008\|11:53 pm]
ir uzrakstita un ieposteta. pirms sutishanas gan nogaidiishu veel dienu vai divas. bet ja nosuutiishu tad gan shajaa istabaa izsleegshu gaismas. chush. un viss. bet nu uh kas par vestuli. tadas vestules nekad neviens nedrikstetu rakstit un nevienam nekad nebutu jaraksta. ja tikai cilveki mazdruscinj vairak runatu. bet laikam jau visu atri un efektivi nogriezhot dazhiem ir vieglak. laa laa laa. esmu mazinjsh sado-mazohistinjsh. miileejiet un godaajiet. jo nevaru neko sev padarit. ta tiribas sajuta ir ka narkotika. vienreiz nobaudita rada atkaribu.
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predicting event dot	[Jan. 26th, 2008\|11:29 pm]
kautkaa vienmeer ir shkjitis ka uzdodot nopietnu jautaajumu buutu jaazin kura no iespeejamajaam atbildeem ir "labaa" un kura "sliktaa". taa laikam taa rietumnieku dipolaaraa domaashana. muljkjiigi. bet tas ir veids peeckada mana galva joprojaam straadaa. un kad pagadaas situaacija un jautaajums kuraa nevienu no atbildeem nav iespeejams strikti klasificeet kaa labu vai sliktu neatliek nekas cits kaa nostaaties event dot poziicijaa. varbuut ir veerts iepoteet sho staavokli sev galvaa iepoteet jau ieprieksh. jo jautaajums ir jaauzdod un atbilde ir jaasanjem. lai buutu miers. man nepavisam negribaas veel vienu spoku gadu.
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