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Ilgu laiku esmu klusējusi, izmetot cibā tik pāris nenozīmīgus teikumus. Tas tāpēc, ka pārziemot šogad bij mazliet grūtāk kā parasti. Atslēgusies no visa, kas iepriekš un neieguvusi jauno tagad, netiekot galā ar izaicinājumiem, prasībām un gaidām, apzināti saraujot sakarus ar ģimeni, (ne) svinot jaungadu (lieldienas, 25gadi un vārdadienu arīdzan), neballējoties un galu galā nonākot fāzē, kad telefons tiek izslēgts uz vairākām nedēļām, gandrīz mēnesi neredzot dienasgaismu. Tāda kā sevis izdzīšana kaut kur tālu tālu un prom no visiem. Atnākot pavasarim piespiedu sevi iet laukā, satikt cilvēkus bez īpašas vēlmes tiešām kadu satikt, vadot sarunas, kurās bij jāpiemāna sevi, lai piemānītu citus ar sejas izteiksmēm, kas varētu norādīt uz interesi sarunbiedru stāstītajā. Atkal aizveroties un nespējot izmest pat pāris teikumus, tad, kad kāds ar mani runā. Piespiedu kārtā dzenājot sevi pa bāriem un sagaidot saulēktu ar pilnīgi svešiem un tāliem cilvēkiem.
Tagad tas viss ir nieks un sen vairs nav taisnība. Skolas darbi un daudzās filmēšanas ir atdevuši to, ko pašrocīgi esmu sev atņemusi. Likuši celties agrāk par putniem un vakarā pakrist pilnīgā izspēka. Un galu galā pieņemt, ka tas, kas ir darīts un izdarīts ir kaut kā vērts. Bet vislielākais guvums tomēr ir tie, kas visu šo laiku bija līdzās (pievilti un pamesti bez mazākās uzmanības), tagad, kad veros vaļā, viņi tepat vien ir un nāk atpakāļ.
p.s. pārāk gari teikumi un baigs kišmiš.
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“Have you heard of the illness hysteria
siberiana?”.
“No.”
“l read this somewhere a long time ago. Maybe in
junior high. I can’t for the life of me recall what book I read it in. Anyway,
it affects farmers living in Siberia. Try to imagine this. You’re a farmer,
living all alone on the Siberian tundra. Day after day you plough your fields.
As far as the eye can see, nothing. To the north, the horizon, to the east, the
horizon, to the south, to the west, more of the same. Every morning, when the
sun rises in the east, you go out to work in your fields. When it’s directly
overhead, you take a break for lunch. When it sinks, in the west, you go home
to sleep.”
“Not exactly the lifestyle of an Aoyama bar owner.”
“Hardly!” She smiled and inclined her head ever so
slightly. “Anyway, that cycle continues, year after year.”
“But in Siberia they don’t work in the fields in
winter.”
“They rest in the winter,” she said. “In the
winter they stay at home and do indoor work. When spring comes, they go out
into the fields again. You’re that farmer. Imagine it.”
“OK,” I said.
“And then something inside you dies.”
“What do you mean?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. Something. Day after
day you watch the sun rise in the east, pass across the sky, then sink in the
west, and something breaks inside you and dies. You throw your plough aside
and, your head completely empty of thought, you begin walking toward the west. Heading
toward a land that lies west of the sun. Like someone possessed, you walk on,
day after day, not eating or drinking, until you collapse on the ground and
die. That’s hysteria siberiana.”
I tried to conjure up the picture of a Siberian
farmer lying dead on the ground.
“But what is there, west of the sun?” I asked.
She shook her head again. “I don’t know. Maybe
nothing. Or maybe something."
From Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun,
Translated from the Japanese by Philip Gabriel, (The Harvill Press, 1999)
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