March 29th, 2009

09:26 pm - Cadence - nonmetrically structured rythmical pattern This was the second time I allmost dropped the call. This was the second time I didn't want to talk to him. I put down the phone and tried to restart my brain. First came the memory of how we met. -Some nice genetic information you have there, lady,-he said that night. It would be weird enough if we were in a bar. It was as weird as possible, because we were on a bridge. He grabbed my hand when I was going to let it go. It's classics, I know. For me, it was confusing. I already felt dead, I had said all goodbyes to everything. It took a lot of time, 'cause there was a lot of stuff and people I had. And when in a moment of complete emptiness and complete serinity powered by the confidence in the choice that I'd made...in this moment someone talks to me - a thing that all by all happens so rarely - and literally confuses me out of my suicide, it doesn't feel like all the classics. Because, when it happens to you, it becomes unique. -Excuse me, I'm commiting suicide here, do you mind?-for a moment I was still sure that death would be the only way out, turned away from his amused eyes and concentrated on the huge water masses spread right in front of me,-Or am I not even allowed to die at my own will in this world where my will influences completely nothing? I guess this was the moment when I convinced him that he needed me. From the moment on, we were inseparable. He said that, if my will was so insignificant to the world, then it should also not affect something as huge and superimportant as my death. Yes, he said it - superimportant. I had never heard anyone actually say that. Significant was my favorite word for superimportant. In any other place at any other time and from any other suicidal bitch he'd get a series of severe injuries. Erina Tyler fell into histerical laughing and climbed over to the other side, as not being able to become aused by anything was one of her strongest justifications. That one second could have wiped away everything we've had together with him, one second could have wiped away me. Now, why would a women who had everything want to commit suicide? Honestly, I don't even remember. That's the way I am. I forget things as easily as they come to me. Acting on emotions is not the best way to be, ofcourse, but it's sometimes so useful. I was happily married and had now to find a way to tell my beloved husband that he was not the one. I just moved in with Jake instead. It's cruel, but years of experience indicated that it's the best and least painful way how people forget other people - by being impossibly angry with them. You always must have someone to blame for your own peace of mind. If I came back to explain myself, my husband would have found a way to blame himself. He'd live the rest of his life in pain and would never forgive himself for doing something - hell knows what - wrong. He'd never ever forget me. The way I did it - he was mad, he was angry, he was furious, hating me with every fibre of his organism. He found a gorgeous young supermodel and married her just in a year after I left him. I could no longer feel guilty. Allright, so our love is unconditional and supernatural and everything. We could never even put it in words, we just read everything from eachothers eyes, movements, gestures and expressions. Yes, there wasn't a lot of speaking going on at our house. But it was one peaceful house, so said our guests, so we felt it. The moment I stop to think about that, I know I'll never want anyone else, I'll never be able even to look at anyone else. Our relation was unique, one of the rare ones where both of us were actually one. I quickly dialed his number on my cellphone and smiled to the open window. -Thank you for living in constant fear of your mate killing herself spontaneously,-I said. I was sure he'd understood every signle thought behind it. I was sure he'd get it even if I just poured some silence of my own into his ear,-Let's just hope your molecules won't be too tired when you get home. A loud click of a closing cellphone crossed the room and vanished from existance. I was in peace again. I was complete again. And there was nothing to live for. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Depeche Mode

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