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February 8th, 2009
10:18 pm - 6
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 6.
Smell of the woods, smell of fire and of blood. I can feel every single scent in the air. Only the scent of my emptiness and despair seemed to be finally gone. As soon as we crossed the city lines I felt a motherly instinct arise in me. I would be bound to protect the place even with my life if needed. I mean - how could everything become so clear in one single moment of time? As if I had a new life manual placed in front of me as a surprise-gift. And this one, alike the one before it, didn't tell me how to live, it only explained the things that were already there. There was no pattern, no plan or advise. All I had was information, the choice was up to me. I could once again make decisions based on what I knew. And everything was answered honestly, I could feel that - only those things which had a definite answer were provided with one. All other things were just made clear and simple, as if I gained new vision that allowed me to see what's in front of me finally. Alice took my hand and whispered pain into my year, and nothing felt as good as that. I was there to stay.
First time we slept there - and I don't even remember what we did before that and how we got the room, nor even where it was - I was disturbed by the dream I saw. I was thinking high for my first-night's dream, but it was completely normal. It held no images of the recent events, nor the things that bothered me, like my dreams usually did. I saw something I never thought I'd be even thinking about, not to mention any kind of dreaming. And there I was, dreaming of the wrong person. I could have dreamt about my brother, my parents, Kate, Brad or at least Alice who was breathlessly sleeping beside me. All the people I was or had been close to, all those who I cared about. Sheesh, even the dead driver burried in the forest or his family would seem more normal to me than this guy I saw. I swear, I'd forgotten he even existed, but guess what people say about girls never forgeting their first must be true. Eric was an electro-engineer from the nearby-university, a second course student himself, but extremely gifted at what he did. At that time, a couple of years ago - huh, I couldn't even remember how long ago it happened - I was a junior or something, maybe sophomore. Our relationship was spontaneous, I didn't even notice it, as I didn't notice most of my life passing by. But he kind of was my first. I remember him being astonished by me being the one not to call, guess he really liked me at the time. What else would be the reason for him to keep trying to contact me for five more months or so. In this dreem that I had... I was happy and kind of relieved to see him again, threw my arms around him and we danced while the music kept changing and suddenly I ended up at the top of a huge tower in the middle of nowhere. And then the dream went off into directions I couldn't even describe after waking up screaming. Felt like being slain by a dragon.
All my wounds suddenly disappeared into nowhere as if I'd never been in an accident, as if I'd never been tortured by Alice for many, many times.
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