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February 1st, 2009
03:36 am - 4
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 4.
A tender voice sang an anthem of an ancient world to me while the gentle hands tied a red ribbon into my golden hair. There was not a slightest breeze again. Nevertheless, the heat was my solace.
"Oh, never be sad," she said taking the daggers out of his dead body,"at the least of this we had some fun. He was not in any great pain."
I still stood astonished by what we had done. I'd seen her kill before, but this was different as I became a killer too. She said I'd advanced. I said I died. And then there was a sound that I'd swear sounded like "not yet". Wherefore had she this strange obsession, I was sick with it too. And I loved every single moment of it just as I loved her, and I still do.
No people, no motels, no dinners...just a half-empty highway. I wonder why they build those if they're never fully used. Just like human body, especially human brain. Alice always seems like she has learnt more of it than we have, like she understands some enourmous truth that changes everything. But that's got nothing to do with highways, hasn't it?
I had a diary since I was little. I wrote in it every single day until I was 12. Since then...no, I didn't stop writing, but the lines that appeared in the little notebook with roses became different like they'd just had all life sucked out of them. They lost my soul and I'm able to understand this as I still could not find it by the time I was laying across the hot highway road and crossing out these soulless lines. Though by thought, day by day, month by month...That was all that made it, all my life. And I started reading into it to understand what a waste I was. I was sorry for myself. And then I cut open one of the wounds and used the blood to make a new entry. Cliche', I know. But that is what I had to do.
It was a grief-relief. I got rid of all the poison in me, all that had been holding me down for days. I told the story of the kind driver who offered a ride. And he should have never done that, at least because he was the one burried in the middle of a forest a hundred miles behind. His death was not easy, no matter what Alice says. In her eyes - everything is easy. I think she could kill herself without a single moment of doubt or any other feeling. She, the most emotional creature in the world, was the only person I knew capable of such indifference. "This is not her fault. This is what she does." I wrote and added "if only I hadn't gone crazy.". I was thinking of my hands covered with his blood, of the dagger I was pushing through his throat. I had never noticed before that I was so strong. But that did not matter at all when I saw life leaving his eyes at the point where he could no longer take the pain. Or where the injuries got lethal. I couldn't really tell the difference, to me it's all the same.
When my guilt was eased we finally left the highway to set our further way through the woods.
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12:02 pm - Of Stars and Smoke
"From nothing I came before,
to nothing I go
I heard that wise man said:
"From presence to silence...we flow""
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