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January 23rd, 2009
11:25 pm - 2
Alice in Wonderland. Chapter 2.
It's impossible to dislike Alice, even considering all the pain she might cause people. My perfect sadist is a creature too light and wonderful to ever seem evil. Even after she kills a dozen people in a blink of an eye, right in front of 'my' blink of an eye. I still loved her and adored the way she smiled at me, with unending care and devotion. No matter what her sick mind produced, I couldn't help ignoring the harm it did. She tortured me some more, too. Maybe that's why the journey to her Wonderland took quite some time. Once we stopped in a motel to have a rest and back in the room she cut my wounds open once again and made me watch, she also made me watch her sticking needles into the wounds. Excrutiating pain I felt was nothing comparing to how heavenly innocent she appeared to me. But enough about Alice. Let's talk about me.
9 years ago, summer, May, hot. What had lead me to the mental state where I didn not care what was happening to me, where I had lost enough to be able to risk everything, as I had nothing? Probably nothing. I was a nobody in the deepest sense of the word. I was only 18, but I had tried everything in life - sex, drugs, alcohol...all the usual. Nothing impressed me enough to bring me to life again. There 'was' an accident, just like there always is in this kind of stories. I had lost my older brother when I was 12. And, hell, I loved that wild wild guy. He wasn't like anyone in the family, he wasn't like anyone I knew then, he was making my life. When Daniel was taken away to some closed mental institution, I had lost this life and wasn't able to relocate it on my own. People saw me hybernate through everyday routine, for all the 6 years. Only in 5 years after my brother had disappeared, my parents told me that they had to separate us in order to restrain his effect on my life and personal development. They said they couldn't have imagined that this would turn out like that, like me turning into a ghost rather than a lively human being they were hoping to see. They didn't know... I didn't drop a single tear when Alice said she killed them. This is all very sentimental and mostly unreasonable to any other person than me. It's not possible to understand how a life could depend on someone so much...unless you've been in such situation personally. I was one of those weak dependent people who needed a strong personality to lead their life. When left without such a personality...well, I became the apathetic phlegm everyone knew. I existed, but did not live a single moment of my life.
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