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May 21st, 2010
10:38 pm - Longing For a Brand New Heart
Standing still in the moment we can feel time swirling around us like an unfriendly gust of wind that will take everything from you. A storm that devours reality. Yet it gives perspective. A distant view on what you've lost. You usually lose things; sometimes you gain things, but it's still always a net loss. Standing still between life and death you see it all as if it didn't happen to you. And when you finally wake up, you wish it hadn't happened to you. Yes, people, truth is awesome, but I'd often rather people lie to me. Just to make me happier. Just to give me hope.
When I came out of coma, they told me I'd die anyway. For someone who experienced clinical death twice in a single week, that's no big news. For someone who hasn't even lived yet, it's the worst news ever. It doesn't hurt to die, but it hurts like hell to know that you will. No heart for pretty Jane. Amusing as it is, all my life up until then every person I met was willing to give me their heart, because I'm so pretty, because I'm so damn beautiful. And now I'm going to die. "All this beauty going to waste" I imagined my mom's letter, if she even cared. "I'm so sorry, but I have to go have fun now" would be a letter from my friends. Mmm, I didn't have any friends, it's painfully obvious, but there's nothing wrong with being in denial once in a while and surrounding yourself with people who could never care less. Actually, there's everything wrong with this picture.
I'm 21 and my heart is broken. Do I deserve it? Well, does as 12-year-old in the next room deserve to die of cancer? Actually, all of us deserve what we get. Adam and Eva are symbols of that. It's really hard to believe though. It's really hard to believe anything when you feel something so precise and reliable throughout your life, giving up on you so suddenly. It is in some way like losing a god. People can't lose faith really, I don't think so. You believe once, you always believe. Yet we can have fights with our gods, reject them, while still knowing they're there and taking revenge on us. When the system fails you, a new system is developed same way you can turn to other deities; You can't develop a new life, sadly. There are just so many things you're allowed to have a second chance in; too few things.
The friendly doctor tells me and her voice trembles slightly. She's like a ballerina, when she's actually an angel of death. You know things are bad when even your doctor can't hold back tears anymore. That's scary, that's awful, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can wait and pray for someone to give me their heart. (This is what humanity comes to in the end - hoping for somebody to die so that you could live.) But the fact is I can't wait.
Standing still in the moment you wrap your thoughts around you in a protective shell and you almost get to live longer, because a moment can be your immortality.
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Sviesta Ciba |
