How do you know something good has come to an end? You measure it by the pain you feel from the loss. The greater the pain the more valuable that something was to you. You don't combat pain. Instead you go back to all those happy places and times that generated the value and find that there is so much to appreciate and be grateful for, so much you'd never change or trade for something different if you had known about the pain at the end of it. It's hard to say good bye to the dead, but it is also hard to say good bye to the living, when you realise that the person you once deeply valued and cared for is gone never to return. And what inhabits the shell of what you once loved is someone different, one you don't really recognise anymore.

So a friend who is still fighting the C19 consequences/symptons after about a week and a half of illness is going to another person who is on two different antibiotics and has pneumonia. Why? Because hospitals are overcapacity and doctors have told the person that even though normally she'd be in hospital there is simply no space. The only way she gets in is if she can no longer breath.

Moral implications of travelling across a city, possibly spreading the C19, even if you are no longer the carrier and potentially immune, with the things from your house or yourself. Or don't infect others, but there will be no one to call the ambulance once your friend is no longer able to breath.

It only took one thing and now all the healing is gone. It's almost like day one all over again.

No tiem diviem cilvekiem uz kuriem es palautos, viens ir miris bet otru par seksistu zombiju izskalojusi labejie radikali un visas sievietes tagad ir bezpalidzigas launuma saknes.

There is just me, that’s it. Everybody else are just passengers to kill the time.

"Do not wait. If there is something you wish to do, go do it. Death comes for busy people too. It will not pause and return at a more convenient time." Quote of the day...

Job hunting is like a odd form of dating. Equal amount of deplation of emotions and feeling of being left morally empty as a result. I guess feeling exposed, performing, trying to show yourself from the best side are all common to both processes. Rarely you meet the one and get sooooooo excited you can't wait for that email from their internal recruiter, almost hypnotising email and refreshing it every few minutes. And then having your heart skip a beat when it is finally there and you can kind of tell it will likely not be good news.

I guess that feeling is guiding when I should say yes to a commitment to a work relationship and this certainly won't be the one (happily ever after for the next few years).

It was so much easier when there was someone else who could love me for me and I didn't have to.

"Reading is like a software update for your brain. 

Whenever you learn a new concept or idea, the "software" improves. You download new features and fix old bugs.

In this way, reading a good book can give you a new way to view your life experiences. Your past is fixed, but your interpretation of it can change depending on the software you use to analyze it."

So here's to rebooting the system and digging through the DOS of subconsciousness. 

Heh, only took close to 30 years to be at a receiving end of a rejection. Not the casual no thank yous, but the ones that you really, really, really wanted to get yes from. Don't like adulting.

It plays in my head, more true to the reflection of life than usual
"What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you really oughta know"

Theraphy is bringing back all the terror burried deep down. As much as I hate it, it is also a proof that I'm not going mad, it is still there, as vicious and self destructive as ever, slowly bubbling to the surface like a swamp water. Waiting to catch me out if I make a wrong step.

I should have been an anthropologist. A digital one. Tonight I was wondering about the type of things that my friends follow on Instagram. You can tell a lot about someones interests from who they follow and the type of imagery they have chosen to curate for themselves. The part that I struggle to understand are the accounts consisting of just somebody’s face, selfies. How can that possibly be interesting to somebody it never really changes is the same face just from slightly different angles over and over again. Why would you want to see that more than once or twice?

Unconscious biases. It’s that automatic reaction in your head based on associations in your brain which are wired to take shortcuts and free up space. They are so hard to get rid off so the first step in the process is to get a point where you can simply catch yourself having these associations. My friend happily announce something and my first reaction when she said she had already done it was “woman equals irrational idiot, acting on the whim and excitement not thinking things through”. But that is not true I’ve seen plenty of guys act the same way it’s just stereotype that society has cultivated. And equally I have plenty of rational female friends making smarter and better thought out decisions than most guys. So I have caught myself with this thought internally correcting myself to say humans are sometimes irrational idiots because that is way more true.

And there I am. Finally starting to accept that loud, noisy environments just aren't for me. They make me really anxious and I can't hear a bloody thing, certainly not unless someone is looking me staright in the eyes and I can attempt some lip reading. So I went to the pub and had the guts to leave within 10 minutes or so.

It's interesting to focus on everything around you apart from what's in front of you. The side vision, the noises, the smells, the touch. It's used as a calming tactic to control breathing but it also makes for a good experiment taking in everything happening around you.

Now back in my hotel room I'm standing on the balcony. Looking down from the 7th floor triggers that tingling feeling in my body whenever I look over the edge.
Hotel has none of the British heath and safety features and I could easily end up over the edge. I appreciate the fact that they treat adults as such, though it's probably just the fact that the building is old enough to not need to comply with those standards. Mainly I'm looking down thinking, if I would have to climb down the building using balconies, would I be able to do it?

Recently I've started to notice something that for me translates as a lack of respect (and empathy) in the relationships of others. It's the disregard for someone else's wishes and push towards activities they don't want to do. And I don't mean, don't feel like it right now, but actually DO NOT want to do full stop. But because the other half wants it, off we go... There is a degree of lack of respect and immaturity in trying to bully/forcefully convince someone rather than listening, trying to understand and look for a middle ground. Not sure if that's a lack of drawing a line and establishing what's acceptable and what's not early or feeling of entitlement to the other maybe? Would we ever let our friends treat us like that and would we ever dare to treat them that way. Just because someone has committed to a person does not give a permission to enforce activities.

Get rid of toxic people and use whatever emotions you have to fuel progress. Happy progress, sad progress, angry progress, fun progress, exciting progress. It all counts. End of the day the only person who you will have to respond to is yourself.

And happiness is a choice. It's not always an easy choice, but it's a choice...

Dilemmas, dilemmas, ko lai ar jums iesāk? Kā lai jūs atmudžina? Kā lai atpazīst laika rituma pozitīvisma plīvuru, kas nāk pār visām sliktajām situācijām un kā lai nepalaiž garām izdevību, ko vēlāk nožēlotu?

Un tam visam pa virsu nebeidzams dzīves sagurums, kas nāk no vairāk kā 2 stundām dienā, kas pavadītas ātrgaitas siļķu bundžā.

Reizem gribas but dalai no dzivem kuras es neiederos.

Stikla bumba, nu zini, tās, kuras sakrata un tad snieg sniegs. Es tādā dzīvoju un ir labi, jo nekas no tā, kas notiek tur ārā mani nesatrauc, es apmetu kūleni, kad kāds sakrata manu paradīzi un atkal laimīgi piezemējos.

Tuvojas tas brīdis, kad man atkal jānonāk ārpusē un tur piezemēšanās nav ne tuvu tik mīskta, atstājot rētas un zilumus, ko atkal dziedēt, atgriežoties savā mazajā pasaulītē.

Sautējums un laba komēdija, jā piektdienas vakars tu esi pa daļai izdevies...

Nepartraukta morfina deva. Viena pec otras, liekot justies labi. Un tad viena bridi tevi izlaiz no 4 sienam pasaule. Un it ka viss ir labi. Tikai pec laika paradas nojausma, ka morfins ir sacis izvadities no asinsrites un ar katru reizi atgriezoties pie sis domas paradas ta apjausma, ka no konfrontacijas ar relatitati vairs nav iespejams izvairities. Un tad sakas, macisanas par varet lomkas un dzivot bez injekcijam.