as i dream about movies they won't make of me when i'm dead - Post a comment

i'm not as think as you drunk i am.

i used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

always remember that you are absolutely unique. just like everyone else.

it matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether i win or lose.

there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.

i told my wife the truth. i told her i was seeing a psychiatrist. then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.



accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

"i'm in no condition to drive...wait! ishouldn't listen to myself, i'm drunk!"

build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.



sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

it is not MY fault that i never learned to accept responsibility!

money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.