Tā kā "random crap postošana, 90% kuras esmu izdomājis uz vietas" (a la visi mani iepriekšējie posti, kas nav ņemti no SA) prasa vairāk laika kā "oooh, check out this SA crap" postošana, tad šoreiz nāksies iztikt ar otro. Šoreiz aplūkojamais topiks ir Into the horrible minds of children, kura veidotājam One Legged Cat bija palaimējies strādāt pie ~13-gadīgu bērnu domrakstu labošanas par "labākajām atmiņām" vai tamlīdzīgu krepu. Protams, viņš pierakstīja labākos eksemplārus, lai arī internets varētu pasmieties par nabaga bērniem. Mans favorīts:
(Puisis stāsta par to, kā viņa vecākais brālis mācīja skeitot):
At the end of the week, Jerry my brother told me I would be getting a surprise at first I thought he was going to hit me in the crotch. But insted he gave me a new skateboard (a complete deck) with gernade bairings with a world industries board, wheels, and tracks. Then Jerry hit me in the crotch.
Sākumā krutākie domrakstu virsraksti.
The time a bug got in my ear
My Donkey, José (tas beidzās ar "I want my reader to understand that it is not fun falling off something like a donkey.")
DAY I GOT COOKIE
Sandals and a dumb hat!
The day my mom YELLED AT ME FOR SOMTHING I DIDN’T DO
My Rifle
Par DAY I GOT COOKIE ir īpašs stāsts. Došu vārdu pašam OLC - skaidrojums man radīja krietni lielāku smieklu lēkmi kā jebkas cits (kopš dinozauru porno, protams):
"Okay, here's the story behind this one; it's a tad deeper than just the title itself. The kid is taken out for a surprise by her parents. They then take her to get cookie, and she's so happy she got cookie. She goes on and on about how much she loves cookie and how glad she was to get cookie. She loves to play with cookie, and cookie... licks her when cookie's happy? She got a dog, people - one named Cookie. But until 2/3rds of the way through, I had no fucking clue that she was talking about anything other than a round baked sweet. It wasn't until she starts talking about how much she loves to bathe cookie that I suspected this girl perhaps wasn't deranged, just not too hot at conveying messages via pencil & paper. I just thought, "Jesus Christ, that girl loves that cookie, they need to keep her the hell away from bakeries" until then. This is actually a common mistake the kids made; they assume the reader already knows what they're talking about and just go off into their thoughts about the subject."
Un tagad random kreps
"Šis sīkais riebeklis sāk savu domrakstu ar "My favorite memory is the time me and my cousing beat up this kid named Roland." Un tieši par to ir arī viss viņa stāsts. Viņš bija rotaļlaukumā ar savu brālēnu, kad pamanīja tuvojamies Rolandu un sāka ņirgāties par viņa cepuri. Autora brālēns iesita Rolandam pa galvu, kurš viņu par to pagrūda. Brālēns tad nogrūda Rolandu uz zemes un kopā ar autoru sāka zēnu spārdīt "until he stopped moving". Tad viņi atņēma cepuri, vēlreiz pasmējās par zēnu un atsāka darīt, ko nu viņi tur darīja pirms tam. Pēc brīža Rolands piecēlās un raudādams aizkliboja projām, kamēr viņi smējās par miņu. "It was my favorite memory ever.""
""My favorite memory was seeing someone cry when they fail and I pass." Mēs visi pamatskolā pazinām to bērnu, kurš labprātīgi atteicās no jebkādas izklaides, lai varētu mājās mācīties, un pēc tam barojās no skolotāju uzslavām un apbalvojumiem. Šis ir viens no tādiem. Un viņš ir pakaļa."
“When this girl asked me out. She was the most hot girl in class. She had sandy brown hair, big red lips, and a perfect body.” Skaistas meitenes aprakstīšana nebūtu nekas slikts, ja vien tas nebūtu stāsts par pirmo dienu bērnudārzā.
“The difficalt thaning that I thought is geting in troble by my dad. One day my dad got me a new gun. Then I was relouding it. When I shot my dog in the leg. So my dad said wy is the dog cring becasce I shot it in the leg.”
“The sound of Ms. Julies name just makes me want to stab myself in the chest.”
"Viens no domrakstiem, kurus man vajadzēja vērtēt, sākumā šķita patiešām labs. Tajā bija rakstīts par tornado, kurš izpostīja putna ligzdu un izmeta no tā olu. Bet tā bija fēniksa ola! No tās izšķīlās putnēns, bet viņam nebija ne mātes, ne tēva, kurš varētu to uzaudzēt. Par laimi, viņam garām gāja vienradžu bars, kas pieņēma mazo fēniksu par savu audžubērnu. Tad viņš pieauga un kopā ar vienradžiem devās cīnīties ar pūķu armiju. Līdz šim vēl viss bija daudz maz saprātīgi, taču tad viņš uzrakstīja, ka vienradži cīņā izmantoja "their sybeams". "The battle was ragnarok, and the ethic battle lasted for hours."
“It was like we were ready to go to war. That would pretty much tell you why me no likey fish.”
“My favorite memory is my brain, because it let’s me memory’s alot of things.”
“We went home to find our television from the living room, my DVD player, my DVDs, and my moms money, it was all stolen. That really burned my biscuits!
Moral: Just settle for old stuff, so people won’t steal it.”
“No one is a failure unless you try.”
Viena meitenīte uzsāka savu stāstu par savām labākajām atmiņām ar kādas dienas aprakstu, kad viņa ar māti dažas dienas pirms Ziemassvētkiem bija aizgājušas uz baznīcu. Atnākot mājās, viņas uz dīvāna televizora priekšā ierauga tēvu, kurš jau iztukšojis pusi no alus 32-pakas. Māte saka, ka viņai nepatīk dzeršana "Dieva dienā", paņem atlikušo alu uz virtuvi, atver bundžas un sāk tās liet ārā izlietnē. Tēvs pienāk pie viņas un iepļaukā "so hard she fell down", tad aizdedzina Ziemassvētku eglīti kopā ar visām dāvanām. Ļaujiet tam uz brīdi nostiprināties apziņā. Viņš nodedzināja piedrāztu Ziemassvētku eglīti. Bet tas taču ir stāsts par bērna patīkamākajām atmiņām? WTF? "It was my favorite memory because that's what made my mom divorce my dad."
“I remember the times he (vectēvs) told me to jump off the edge in a video game and get a secret level, but all that would do is kill my guy." Brīnišķīgs vectēvs.
Kāds zēns baidījās no potēm, jo viņa vecākais brālis bija iestāstījis, ka adata atņemtu viņa dvēseli.
“I’m 8years old & my life was always good because I would run streets with my dad. He’s my heart. Hater’s called me a “daddy’s girl.” Our bond is as thick as a brickwall attacked by a bulldozer.”
Viens no bērniem sākumā veselas lappuses garumā stāstīja, kā tēvam un brālim patika laiku pa laikam viņu pabiedēt. Nākamajā lappusē viņš apraksta kā tēvs ienāk pa durvīm un saka, ka ir atnesis ēdienu. Bērns attaisa kasti, bet tur iekšā ir dzīvs krabis. Tēvs iekliedzas un met kasti viņam virsū. Saniknots par notikušo, autors aiziet ārā. “I just got tired of them scarring me so much that I got my basketball and went outside like I said. 2 hours later I walked in saw a dead body my brother. I fianted when I woke up I was in a hospital bed next to my brother.”
Kādā citā domrakstā notiek parastas vasaras notikumu izklāsts. Mēģiniet atrast, kas tajā neiederas: “We made a chocolate cake. Now all we needed was a toping and Denton had it on his face and had it on mine so Sarah took a picture. Like one month after Denton and his sister Claire died in a flood. Last summer during softball we had a good team and pitcher. Our team was called aftershock! So...” Un viņš (-a) turpina stāstīt par beisbolu.
“My favorite memory was when I would go to my ranch with my family and my paw paw he was one of a kind he loved all of us when we go to the ranch we would make forts and hunt for deer shoot guns and hide and seek man that was hard and four wheelers we would all come out to the ranch and have a great time- every weekend we would go to the ranch till my paw paw committed suiside now we cant go no more because they sold it.
When someone believes in you, it is a great feeling that helps you build confidence. A true believer puts strength in you, in your time of ambition. Many people were able to accomplish their tasks because someone believed in them. If it weren’t for King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella some of us wouldn’t be here today.” Un stāsts turpinās par to, kā viņa centās iegūt "Miss Junior Peach Blossom" titulu. Par karaļiem vairs ne vārda.
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Btw, mani allaž izbrīna, ka cilvēki vēl aizvien mēdz uztvert nopietni, ko es saku. Pat tie, kas mani pazīst jau ilgāku laiku. Come on, 3/4 no tā, ko saku vienmēr ir kāds tizls joks vai random atsauce uz kaut ko. Pārējais lielākoties ir manas iedomas.