Cirmuļa atklāsmes - 28. Augusts 2006

I feel so alone.
you couldn't believe how very very alone I feel.
just because of all of these things.
all that I have to settle.
I could have taken them as a challenge, some time ago I could have.
but now.
I just see them as a huge pile of rubbish stumping slowly over my head. a large gray pile. a lead elephant.

do you know what kind of a feeling it is to wake up every morning with the thought: how much longer?
this is no life at all.
and there's no desperation. no anger. only this tiredness. how much longer?

oh no, I'm not committing a suicide. no. but my life is a huge suicide.
I'm killing myself slowly, with sick pleasure, wrenching my arms, crushing my backbone.
how can I be so cruel to myself? to make myself live on and on every day every hour again and again.
but if it continues, at least I have the frail hope that one day I will have had enough.
and I will know what to do.
maybe it will be crazy.
maybe it will be silly.
but I will want to do it.

but how much longer? how much longer???

un reizēm es atkal tik labi saprotu, ka nekad nebūšu laimīgs.

tā nav izmisusi doma, tā ir atklāsme par faktu.

es redzu skaidri, ka ar pašreizējām prasībām pašreizējā pasaulē nav iespējams būt laimīgam.

bet vells ar ārā - par ko es īsti satraucos? vairums cilvēku nav un nekad nebūs laimīgi. bet viņi grib dzīvot. kaut kāpēc.

viņus es laikam īsti nesaprotu. it kā saprotu, bet nespēju izjust to vēlmi dzīvot, vienalga kā bet dzīvot, DZĪVOT. kāpēc.


bet viņiem arī mani nevajag saprast. vienkārši attieksmes jautājums.

šobrīd man tā gribas. iespiest seju zemē, miklā melnzemē, un necelties augšā.