pieceljos 6:30, apzinja bezmeerkjiigi skataas un gaida, vai driizaak apzinjas vienaldziigaa, tukshaa telpa mani tur kaa objektu. atveru visus logus, veess riita gaiss iepluustot iztrenkaa apzinju, tagad taa momentaani atbalsojas taalu pret apvaarshnjiem, bet taa ir lidmashiinu dunonja. kaiminjsh aizceert durvis, solji pa kaapneem, aizceert veelvienas durvis, putni atturiigi runaajas, balozhi mazliet gaudo, iedarbinaas mashiina, kaut kur jau urbj asfaltu vai kaut ko zaagjee, uz briidi ir klusums, un atkal apzinja dun pie apvaarshnjiem, bet taas ir lidmashiinas. es aizdedzinu viiraka kocinju, tas noturees manu apzinju fokusaa, dators maigi shalc. kas ir shiis suvereenaas, vienaldziigaas, sveshaas, pasauliigaas skanjas. manaa apzinjaa taam visaam ir vieta, kas liek domaat ka apzinja nav mana, jo es nezinu taas robezhas, varbuut kaut kur taalumaa kaads cits ir paarnjeemis manu apzinju, un es to nemaz nezinu. un kameer es neshkjiroju tikmeer tur taas sadziivo bez konkurences. kameer domas veel vaaljaajas nomiedzii, tikmeer apzinjas telpa neshkjiro un atljauj vietu visam. es dzeru veesu shokolaades sojas pienu, tad es dzeru melnu kafiju. man shodien ir priekshaa daudz lietu, daudz bezmeerkjiigas eksistences. vajaa doma, ka jebkuraa briidii viss man paziistamais vareetu izzust, vai varbuut priekhsnojauta, un es attaptos taa kaa vienaa sapnii pirms daudziem gadiem, kur es eju pa sveshu asfaltu, sveshaa pilseetaa, sveshu akmens eeku eenaa, ar apzinju, ka neviens un nekas mani pasaulee nepaziist un man nav kur iet un es esmu apmaldiijusies

"Since the organism's survival depends on a reasonable match between mental map and environment, as the two diverge, the hippocampus spins its wheels and the amygdala sends out alarm signals even as the motivational circuits urge you on and on. The result is vertigo, claustrophobia, panic, and wasted motion. Since most people aren't conscious of the process, there's no way to reflect on what's happening. All you know is that it feels as if you're going mad. (And what else is insanity but a failure to match mind and world?) When at last the full wight of the incongruity hits you, the impact can be devastating. (Psychologists have observed that one of the most basic human needs, beginning at birth, is to be gazed upon by another. Mothers throughout the world have been observed spending long periods staring into the eyes of their babies with a characteristic tilt of the head. To be seen is to be real, and without another to gaze upon us, we are nothing. Part of the terror of being lost stems from the idea of never being seen again."

citreiz, ejot pa londonu, es atkal domaaju, ka lai arii es neesmu iista, man tas patiik, es juutos atviegloti, neviens mani nevar savazhot patiesiibas vazhaas, es juutos bezgaliigi viegli, jo ja tu neesi iists tad tu esi viss