koi's Journal

torn
l'oiseau

torn. torn between isolating myself and wanting to feel like someone cares about me and how i am doing. torn between riga and reading. two r's. kind of a funny coincidence. i get what they meant when they said it feels like you are not really at home anywhere. i have not even been back to riga yet and i can already feel this. it has been almost 7 weeks since i left. prior to this, the longest time i had been away from home was about 10 days. when i think of riga, i know it is my home, but it does not feel like it anymore. when i wake up in reading, i do not know where i am. it takes a second to adjust. when i speak to my friends here, i tell them i am going "home" to my halls, but am i really? is this my home? i love this place, the campus, my room, my friends, but there is something eerie lurking underneath. something is missing. i feel like i am doing university related stuff but something is not right. as if i was supposed to be doing something else. i try to hang out with my friends here as much as possible, yet i feel empty and alone most of the time. i laugh and smile, but when they leave, i feel like i am not whole. he mentioned "rumination" when i told him i was most likely going to distance myself from everyone. i did not even know that word before, but it describes my state of mind perfectly. i said i might distance myself because that is what i feel like doing right now. i feel like i am missing out but i also do not want to bother anyone. what are you supposed to say when a friend tells you where she will be going with your two mutual friends, but does not ask if you want or can come along? am i supposed to ask if i should join? i do not understand communication rules in other cultures. they are all going some place tomorrow outside reading and yet i have to work on my assignment for the whole day. saturday most likely as well. at this point i just want to get wasted and stop caring about every little thing. again i feel like i care more about certain people than they care about me. in theory, that is fine, but the problem is i get attached way too fast. so i am overthinking everything. i want to sleep at night but i cannot sleep. i am actually retarded, since it did not somehow click that MAYBE it is because i drink beverages that have caffeine in them before bed (black, green tea, monster energy). like... how did it actually not occur to me that black tea could also keep me awake. i am such a fool. an embarrassment. he must think i am dumb or something. yet another thing to overthink about. i know i have achieved so much since i came here, i can really feel the improvement, yet it is still not enough. i feel really dumb sometimes, as in life dumb. as in, i do not know shit about life. i was (am?) just academically smart. i keep ranting about my bitchass problems to everyone, i hate this. should keep my fucking retarded bullshit to myself. who am i to think that i have any right to bother my friends with my depressing bullshit? anyway. how come some people are so fucking nice? i do not deserve them in my life. it feels unfair. i am not as nice and i do not think i will ever be. i am too awkward. hard to explain. ever since manu got me fucked up, i keep thinking about being in a relationship, having someone to cuddle with, someone whom i could always contact, spend time with without feeling like i am bothering them. someone who would love me. and someone whom i would love. i told myself that my main focus would be studies and i am doing fine, but when i lay awake at night i just feel incredibly lonely. i wanted to cry today, but no tears came out. i have cried twice since i came here, and both times i was on a call with my mum. i call my friends often, yet it feels like there is nothing to talk about. with luna it is fine, i trust her with everything, but even when i talk to her i feel like it is always just me, me, me who is talking about her fucking problems. like, bitch, get your shit together, you are studying something you love, you have wonderful friends, live in a brilliant place, have your own room and go to a great university, what is your fucking problem? can you appreciate something for once? can you stop being so depressive over the stupidest things? also, why the fuck is everyone ghosting me. like 3 guys already. one ghosted for 4 days, then fucked off, one left me on read and one told me he would "let me know when he is in town for a night out". that was exactly three weeks ago. i just wanted friends. the one who has been ghosting me for 3 weeks was the nicest one, so smart and witty, i would absolutely love to have him as a friend. i know i will meet him again in a group setting, i just know that i am apparently not good enough for a one-on-one meeting. i do not believe that he has been so very busy for 3 weeks. if he cared, he would have found the time. i feel the seasonal affective disorder kicking in. i want to be alone, but i do not. i am confused and torn. au revoir

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: falling away from me by korn