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[Jan. 14th, 2010|08:03 am] |
I'm in a group that does Cold War reenactments. It's pretty easy -- all you have to do is sit around and look worried about the USSR.
The hardest part about toilet training has to be making toddlers appreciate the big picture -- that in 80 years they can enjoy the ease and convenience of burdening someone else with their waste-elimination regimen, but that person won't be born for another 40-odd years.
Yesterday my coworkers here at the post office started calling the new guy "Chewbacca" because he's really hairy. Today, he came into work grunting and growling, carrying some kind of weapon. Man, he's really enjoying his new nickname!
What a bargain this invisible fencing is. It even came with an invisible dog!
When is McDonald's going to realize they'd get *much* bigger sales with, "Do you want porn with that?"
Contrary to what my mom says, I don't lack ambition. I've already made plans to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells so that someday I'll be the most badass zombie EVER.
I've finally realized that I don't need to try to be someone I'm not. I'm someone I'm not already.
The Top Things to Do on Your Last Day On the Job
- Astronomer: Sketch a teeny tiny little flying saucer on the telescope lens.
- Governor: Sell everything in sight before security comes to remove you from office (Illinois and South Carolina only)
- Meteorologist: Be honest; tell people you only look out the window and guess.
- Microsoft: Send out the fix to the Blue Screen of Death problem to all users for free.
- Playwright: Fire all the monkeys, return all the rented typewriters.
- Sleep Disorder Researcher: Replace all the decaf with double-caff espresso.
- Failed terrorist: Smuggle baking soda, red food coloring and vinegar onto flight, scare passengers to death with awesome science fair volcano.
- Pope: Sign up for Match.com.
- Supreme Court Justice: Doff robe on the way back to chambers, revealing assless chaps to the gallery.
- Microsoft: Put feet up on desk and chill while listening to your iPod.
- House sitter: Burn down the house. (Note: Any day you do this becomes your last day on the job.)
- USPS: Turn over 15 years of undelivered mail to the new carrier.
- Reporter: Open your shirt and reveal your secret identity. (Daily Planet only.)
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