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[Jan. 11th, 2010|08:04 am] |
What I like best about being a dad is no longer being the initial suspect when the room smells like poo.
I never thought it would be possible to make karaoke even more unpleasant, but then I saw a sign at the library reading: "Saturday: Children's Karaoke Night."
After the ear-piercing shrieking, curse-laden insults and vicious personal attack, I realized too late that I had mistakenly ordered a Harpy Meal.
Sometimes when we touch,
the honesty's too much --
'cause you've put on quite
a few pounds, there, baby.
The Top Money-Saving Resolutions for 2010
- This year, sell *both* kidneys.
- Save money in 2010 by spending 2011's money! (U.S. Congress only)
- Old plan: Give your teenager a Wii.
New plan: Give your teenager away.
- Write to that WorldVision kid in Africa you've been sponsoring all these years and tell him its payback time.
The Top Signs You Suck at Gift-Giving
- You *did* have it engraved. And you had to cough up a ten-spot to get the guy at the deli counter to do it.
- A few snips here, a few stitches there, and voila! The SnuggieTeddy -- the teddy with *sleeves*!
- Let's just say your wife's mom and sisters weren't exactly thrilled with their ear and nose hair trimmers.
- Your grandmother had a coronary watching the "Oral Robert" DVD you got her.
- Even though you paid a ton to get it framed, matted, and autographed a few months ago, that Gatorade/Tiger Woods "Is It In You?" promotional poster never should have left your garage.
- You're not sure Rabbi Rabinowitz appreciates the Pepperidge Farms Bacon-of-the-Month Club delivery.
- Amazon.com sends you its latest recommendation: That you never tell anyone about your last order.
- You're fantasizing about how much better your sex life will be a few months from now, when you start to see the results of the gift membership to Weight Watchers you're getting her.
- Let's see, Miss Do-It-Yourself: Eggnog made from fresh eggs?
OK.
Fruitcake made from fresh fruit?
OK.
Winnie the Pooh doll made from fresh...
uh-oh.
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