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[Dec. 2nd, 2009|09:00 am] |
I hate it when people don't remember my name. It means I have to try to think of it myself.
The Center for Disease Control recommends singing "Happy Birthday" twice as a timer while washing your hands. So there I was at my favorite restaurant, washing and singing, when the entire wait staff crowded into the ladies' room and sang along with me. Now I have head lice from the communal birthday hat they plopped on my head and an eye infection from all the wet, soapy hand-clapping. Thanks a LOT, CDC.
Boy, is my wife going to be surprised! She always wanted to repaint the kitchen in a nice olive color, so while she's away on business, I'm going to get busy with these fresh new rollers and gallons of black paint.
The Top Health Benefits of Oxidized Cholesterol
- The body's made up of, what, at least 70% water, so we just need to get twice as much hydrogen-laced cholesterol and use it to create a new way to store water in the body like a camel.
- It gives your arteries a trendy, antiqued look.
- Having trouble breathing? Suck down a Big Mac and large fries.
- Tastier hamsters.
- It hooks up with hydrogenated fats to make water, which is healthy, and... uh... fatesterol, which is... aw, crap.
The Top Reasons Snail Mail Is Better Than e-Mail
- Attachments when Grandma sends snail mail? Generally pretty damn good.
- It's hard to mistakenly embarrass yourself by "replying to all" on a postcard.
- You can't wipe your butt on a breakup e-mail.
- That anonymous little note you wrote to your "douchebag" boss about his "head up ass" management style can't be traced back to you.
- Collecting stamps: Entertaining and rewarding. Collecting SMTP Headers: tedious and frustrating.
- If your e-mail has any kind of scent, something has gone horribly wrong.
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