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[Oct. 28th, 2009|09:28 am] |
Chicks are weird, man. Why the hell would that woman from the Hawaiian escort service think I'd want to spend $150 on a stupid flower necklace?
David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz said his dog told him to kill all those people. Where do you think he found a dog like that? My dog only tells me to feed her, and occasionally to set fire to something.
When I go before the judge, I sure hope I get good marks for artistic impression, because that Breathalyzer test is pretty much gonna kill my technical score.
The Top Creative Excuses for a Positive Drug Test
- "Fumes from the adhesive on the duct tape holding my Yugo together."
- "I didn't know you were going to test for *that* drug."
- "I don't usually use drugs, but I went a little crazy to celebrate the job offer."
- "I skinned knee in company softball game and the company nurse slipped me the 'clear'."
- "All my life I am a high-energy, productive over achiever. I needed those Quaaludes to bring me back into step with the rest of your workforce."
- "Had to match our customer hit for hit to get that multi-billion dollar account."
- "I bought the urine from the wrong person, apparently."
- "I was told at the last staff meeting to 'Think Positive'."
The Top Signs Your Co-Worker Is Obsessive-Compulsive
- Does word search and sudoku puzzles without a gun to his head.
- "OK, pay attention, everyone. Martha Stewart's Living -- take 2,351."
- You had to change your name to make partner at Larue, Levin, Lomax, Lohnson and Lmith.
- She's been stuck at the bottom of the lobby escalator all morning because someone cleaned the gum off of "her" step.
- Sorts his ED spam by promised-enlargement size.
The Top Signs a Tech Company Is Truly Evil
- Every trick-or-treater gets a "100 hours free!" CD.
- On the seventh page of the End User License Agreement you agree that the software vendor may eat your first born child, and you must pay them a maintenance fee to do so.
- Is it just a coincidence that an anagram for "Redmond" is "Dr. Demon?"
- Not only are their products incompatible with anyone else's, they're not even compatible with their own earlier products.
- Satan refuses to use their servers for moral reasons.
- The anti-virus software is full of holes that are plugged only if you pay them a weekly "protection" fee.
- In order to appear as opposite to evil as possible, they spell "evil" backwards in all their product names.
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