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[Oct. 27th, 2009|08:20 am] |
Here's an autumn tip: Before burning leaves, always rake them in a pile first. It'll save you both time and matches.
If I could have dinner with one historical leader, it would have to be Gandhi, because I'd be all like, "Are you gonna eat that?" and he'd be all like, "No."
It's usually funny to hum the theme from "Jeopardy!" while people are concentrating to make a difficult quick decision. I guess the other members of my bomb squad just don't have a sense of humor.
The Top Updated Cursed Items from "Friday the 13th: The Series"
- The Cellphone of Road Rash: It ejects itself from the car just before you are ejected after hitting that tree because you were texting instead of driving, you idiot.
- The Telephone of Garble: You call customer service and it mysteriously changes the service rep into some incomprehensible dude in New Dehli.
- The Bankruptcy Travel Mug: You are compelled to stop at Starbucks and order a triple mocha latte, when you really just want a cup of regular coffee.
- The Paris Hilton VidCam: Boink your boyfriend on it and you become famous for no discernible reason.
- Fuzzy Dice of Miranda: Suddenly changes the traffic light to red just as you enter the intersection in front of a hung-over state trooper.
- Keyboard of Futility: You sit down to write a novel, and can only manage some lame-ass comedy list entries.
The Top Pickup Lines of the Undead
- "Baby, if I were in charge of the alphabet, I'd put... BRAINS! MUST EAT BRAINS!"
- "My rotten, maggot-infested skin would look great -- in a pile on your bedroom floor."
- "You can't spell 'gruesome' without 'u' and 'me.'"
- "Viagra, schmiagra -- I got rigor mortis, baby!"
- "Sweetheart, you light up my death!"
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