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[Oct. 8th, 2009|08:03 am] |
As a physician, I often have to relay terrible news to my patients. God, I love this job!
David Gunter
As the toothless woman took my coat, ushering me toward the flaming barrel, and a dirty, disheveled man handed me the brown-bag-wrapped bottle, I thought to myself, "Man, this is the strangest wine-tasting I've ever attended."
Brad Simanek
My boss thought I needed a little clarification about "Casual Fridays" at the office: Khakis -- okay; Thong -- not so okay.
Brad Osberg
Top Differences If Facebook Ran the Government
- "Blackwater wants you to join their crew in Middle East Wars, an army-style game of combat and criminal empire played on Facebook. Start out as a small-time defense contractor and fight your way up to ruling your own branch of government!"
- "Justices Stevens, Kennedy, Thomas, Alito and Scalia like your argument."
- "Roman Polanski just sent you a friend request. [Confirm] [Ignore] [Report Abuse]"
- After the White House posts pictures of his college partying days, the President's approval rating skyrockets.
- CIA's only monitoring your Twitter. Swear to Allah.
- Congress cannot agree on a healthcare package, but unanimously polls that Carol Brady was the best TV mom of all time.
- It's becoming increasingly difficult to recruit members for the "Afghani Wars!" app.
- Untold blood and treasury will spill into the thirsty ground defending our way of life from the dystopic anti-freedom hellscape wished upon us by Osama bin Myspace and the al-Twitter network.
- Your senator keeps posting vague, passive-aggressive status messages. "Just got back from district. Now I see who my REAL friends are."
- "Please click here to accept FB 'Terms of Use Agreement' abrogating all your civil rights before voting."
- "State of the Union Status Update: Been a long year. Think we're gonna take a nap."
- "Your friend Mary Jones is a fan of Paying My Taxes. [Become a Fan]"
- Deficit is significantly reduced when banner ad space is sold on Congress members' foreheads.
- Every time you level up in Mafia Wars you get another friend request from the FBI.
- FOX News runs an expose on how Facebook causes impotence, hair loss, diarrhea and halitosis. CNN, MSNBC, et al. are all seemingly unaware that Facebook has taken over.
- First Lady tearfully answers reporters' questions after the President's Movie Test is published, revealing that he is only 13% compatible with her, but 96% compatible with one of his female staffers.
- Online documentation now verifies top-level inter-agency communiques: "watcha doin' now?" "nuthin. what you doin?" "nuthin. watcha doin later?"
- States now receive representation in the House of Representatives proportional to their number of Facebook friends.
- Status: "POTUS is sitting in Air Force One bored to death, but thankful for all of the birthday wishes!"
- Supreme Court nominee disqualified for accidentally poking a member of the Judiciary Committee.
- Too damn many friend requests from Obama.
- Yes, FBI now stands for FaceBook Investigations.
- Your country doesn't side with our foreign policy? One friend-delete, coming right up!
- Think you can hide from the IRS? Dude, you can't even hide from your seventh-grade girlfriend!
- Senate Bills would require 60 "Likes This" to proceed to a floor vote.
- How strange! All the government's "friends" work at big oil companies and investment firms.
- Strategic "eBay Democratic Partnership" allows citizens to bid on determining the outcome of pending legislation.
- "USA just became a fan of Corporate Interests."
- Republicans are hell-bent on reducing the size of government by having it run by Twitter instead.
- The military finally finds Bin Laden, but he ignores their friend request.
- Voter participation is at a record high now that the "Which Brady Bunch Character Are You?" quiz is a factor.
- Tom from MySpace detained and sent to Gitmo as an enemy combatant.
- Same as the real world: The Kennedys own your ass at Mafia Wars.
- A huge chunk of your taxes goes to Farmville subsidies.
- The government could be brought down by a bunch of immature, selfish adolescents with nothing better to do with their time but come up with moronic ways to destroy our economy and inconvenience millions of American citizens. And hackers who aren't in Congress might pose a problem, too.
- "Your senator just took the 'Which Sordid Behavior Am I Guilty Of?' quiz with the result, 'Sex in the Alley Behind the East Baltimore Chili's With an Underage Illegal Immigrant.'"
- "Hello, Justice Roberts. Justice Sotomayor has just thrown a custard pie at you!"
The Top Signs It's Time to Leave Your Company
- You can't figure out how to work the phone to call the IT guy to come up and operate the machine that does your job now.
- Your primary contribution to the firm nowadays is constantly reminding them how much better the company ran when it was the way you used to do everything.
- All of your colleagues were born after your great-grandchildren.
- Your big thrill every week is contributing to some lame-ass internet humor site.
- You're right on time for the 3:00 meeting. But on the wrong day. And the wrong floor. At the wrong company.
- Frequent visits by the Guinness Book's "oldest working man verification team" keep interrupting staff meetings.
- Your company has started charging you for removing the old man smell from the office.
- The music in the elevator is too loud and it makes no sense compared to the music back in your day.
- Your boss trades in the gold watch he's been saving for you for a nice ceramic urn.
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