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[Aug. 9th, 2009|10:42 am] |
Whenever my fiancee asks me why I love her, I always feel like I'm in eighth-grade math class, and my teacher just told me I have to show my work. I know I've got the right answer, but I'll be damned if I know why or how I got it.
Rabbi Crut
The Top Signs Your Pet Is a Secret Agent
- Likes his toilet water shaken, not stirred.
- Cheeks stuffed with secret instructions.
- French Poodle, speaks fluent German Shepherd.
- The Russian Wolfhound down the street was found dead with a poisoned Milk Bone in his throat.
- Dogs playing poker, sure, but baccarat?
- Always makes you whisper things like "The cat dies at dawn!" before allowing you back into your house.
- Keeps digging up the back yard trying to find the microfilm.
- He swapped out that chip you put into his neck, giving him an entirely new identity.
- The diabolical-looking bald guy petting his white Persian? You and I both know it's the cat who's in charge.
The Top Notifications We'd Like to See
- Asses in Mirror Are Larger Than They Appear
- Caution: The surgeon general warns that smoking could be harmful, but it would make Philip Morris really happy if you did anyway.
- Consumption of These Fries Will Briefly Delight, Yet Render You Increasingly Unappealing Over Time.
- Security cameras are installed for your protection. The cameras were installed last century and probably now point either straight up or straight down. Even if they are powered up, then they take a single frame every ten seconds on a VHS tape which is grainier than a bowl of muesli, but they're still here for your protection, Sporto!
- Speed Limits Strictly Ignored
- Warning: The Constant Drivel Spewing from The Mouth Attached to This Body Will Remain Annoying Long After the Body Is No Longer Interesting
- Yield to Drunken Clowns Staggering In and Out of Crosswalk
- Removal of This Tag Unleashes All the Mattress Demons of Furniture Hell to Torment Your Lumbar Region While You Sleep for Eternity
- Warning: Your social media interaction now exceeds your real world interaction 300:1. Do you wish to search eBay for the Star Wars Christmas special?
- Save your receipt just in case we REALLY f&cked up on this bad boy.
- Go Ahead and Walk, See If I Care
- All shoplifters will be handed to the police. The police will probably decide that it's not worth prosecuting you over a $2 candy bar but you will still get to spend one night in a cell with some drunken bikies who will take turns riding your ass.
- Bridge May Be Present
- If this had been an actual emergency, you would have heard the sound of me dropping a three-taco load in my Jockeys.
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