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[Jul. 3rd, 2009|10:48 am] |
The great thing about being on antibiotics is that you don't have to worry about the 5-second rule anymore. Sure, that bacon hit the floor 2 days ago, but I'm immune to bacteria, baby!
Scott E. Frank
When the dwarf in the Viking costume walked into the bar with the Ukrainian contortionist in the string bikini and the flock of penguins, it dawned on me that other people probably lead more interesting lives than I do.
Lee Entrekin
I just got a junk e-mail with a subject line that said, "Grow gigantic OVERNIGHT!!!" The joke's on them, though, because my wife's cooking already took care of that.
Paul Hughes
The Top Ways the Military Is Celebrating July 4th
- Troops in Iraq will take R&R to Iran to help "congratulate" hmadinejad on his re-election.
- Getting bombed, of course.
- "Fireworks, man. We get blitzed, then call in an air strike ust to see the colors. Dude!"
- Horn of Africa pyrotechnics to teach those Somali pirates a hing or two.
- "For the life of me, get liberty and pursue some, um, appiness."
- The Marines will high-five with 29 palms.
- Wearing camouflag.
- The Air Force will pretend they're in the military.
The Top Signs Your Financial Advisor Is Crooked
- Prospectus says that for an extra $500, he can "make your peenizzle big enuff to pleeze da ladeez."
- "Greed Is Good" tattoo might be OK, if it weren't on his forehead.
- "I'd love to let you withdraw from your investment account, but I just got off the phone with Dr. Clement Okon, the son of the former Nigerian president, and it seems your funds will be tied up in Lagos for a while."
- Keeps insisting that ankle bracelet is her BlackBerry.
- When you ask for a receipt, he taps his head and says, "It's all in here, sport."
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