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[Jun. 30th, 2009|10:29 am] |
There are many who believe deaths occur in threes. Therefore, I make it a practice not to hang out with two recently deceased people at once.
Brad Simanek
Health tip that'll keep you out of the ER: When you know you might end up getting smashed on wine, be sure to place the cork far from the Cheetos.
Jerry L. Embry
I'm thinking of starting up a coffee house named Johnny Addict's, where our signature drink is a fine blend of nicotine, ephedra and chocolate. The first cup will be free.
John Gephart IV
The Top Ways a Zombie Will Ruin Your Vacation
- You barely get one roller coaster ride under your belt, and then you have to spend the next half hour picking up his scattered limbs.
- Hard to tell who's stinking up the Carnivale when everyone in Rio is in costume.
- Tough to ski when your legs have been chewed off.
- Frat boys call it a wet t-shirt contest. Zombies call it a buffet.
- It's impossible to get New Corpse Smell out of the rental car.
- Oh, he'll ask for directions, but then chews up the person's face before you hear anything!
- "I spy with my little--- Hey, I'm using that eye!"
- He thinks the sign says "Eat kids free!"
The Top Differences If the Internet Had Been Invented in the 1770s
- Bill of Rights includes 11th article that calls for the immediate death penalty for e-mail spamming.
- We'd be using Windows MCCCVIIIXP.
- For security, verify that each shopping page has a wax seal with the imprint of the King's ring in the bottom right corner.
- FROM: continentalcongress@phila.pa.uk
TO: king.george@hanoverroyal.gov.uk
SUBJ: Independence
George,
Please see attached document.
xthxbai.
- Fifteen minutes after it was posted to Ye Olde Wykypydia, an anonymous poster amended the U.S. Constitution to guarantee everybody free mead and pretzels for life.
- Every one of your Internet newbie friends forwards you the same tired joke e-mail titled "You Might Be a Redcoat If..."
- Lawsuits ensue at Valley Forge when General B. Gates has the soldiers bundle their feet.
- All PCs are powered by kites with keys.
A study showed that the right cortex of the brain is thinner in children of depressed people, possibly predisposing to depression.
The Top Reasons a Thin Right Cortex Causes Depression
- The left cortex, with control of conscious and rational processes, feels fat.
- It raises the Reptilian Brain/Mammalian Brain ratio, and everyone knows how jolly crocodiles are.
- The left cortex keeps making fun of it.
- Fatter has traditionally meant jollier, right?
- Because a thinner cortex makes it easier for your happiness to leak out.
- It just can't keep the brain warm enough, causing brain shiver, which leads to depression.
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