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[Apr. 22nd, 2009|05:58 pm] |
After I die, I'd like to come back as a zombie. Sure, it'd be tough to claw your way out of the grave, and then you'd have the "I need brains" cravings. But all in all, the slow stagger and frightening people would be a welcome change from my current situation.
Todd Loushine
The Top Excuses for Being Late
- I've actually been here the whole time, just invisible.
- Had to re-arrange my home office to make room for all the stuff I'm planning to bring home from work.
- Do you know how long it takes to pick out an outfit that says both "business professional" and "I really need a hug!"?
- I had to stop and make the world safe for democracy.
- Efforts to "go green" involve hitchhiking to work; but resident drivers not really willing to participate in my initiative.
- Accidentally drove into a wormhole and came out in the Sock Nebula, where all the socks go when they leave the dryer. In order to get out, I had to find a matching pair.
- I had to discipline my Inner Child, who *really* didn't want to work today.
The Top Signs You're Not Cut Out for Parenthood
- You're the founder and sole proprietor of Dingoland.
- "It's all right, Honey, I washed her on the 'delicate' cycle!"
- You're embarrassed to be seen with your 2-year-old daughter because those designer diapers make her ass look fat.
- Rather than shell out for toys, you told the kids Santa intentionally flew his sleigh into a skyscraper.
- "Make a poo-poo, do a shot!"
The Top Bad Pieces of Advice from Disbarred Lawyers
- If they file discovery on a Friday the 13th, you don't have to respond.
- "Go ahead. What the hell, she's a hooker and you're not getting any at home anyway."
- If you pay more than $1000 in bribes to a judge, you are paying too much.
- "'Ethics' is just another name for 'nothing left to bill.'"
- Listen, if the account has your name on it, spend the money. Who the heck really knows what "Client Escrow" means anyway?
The Top Tax Deductions of Famous Scientists
- Werner Von Braun: Alternative transportation tax credit.
- Carl Sagan: Billions and billions of dollars.
- Albert Einstein: Educational expense for retaking algebra.
- J. Robert Oppenheimer: Alternative energy tax credit.
- Thomas Edison: Capital loss from failed technology startups.
- Erwin Schrodinger: Possibly cat food, but the IRS won't know until it observes his 1040.
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