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[Apr. 11th, 2009|12:45 am] |
The Top Poor Responses to the Question "Does This Make Me Look Fat?"
- "Not to Stevie Wonder."
- "No, but taking it *off* sure does."
- "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
- "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
- "Whoa! A talking couch!!"
The Top Favorite Movies of Famous People
- Al Roker: "Rain Man"
- Naomi Campbell: "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"
- Howard Schultz, founder of Starbucks: "Sleepless in Seattle"
- Winona Ryder: "Stealing Beauty"
- George W. Bush: "Eraserhead"
- Katie Holmes: "I Was a Teenage Zombie"
The Top Differences If Game Shows Were Hosted by Satan
- Door #1: Hellfire and damnation.
Door #2: Eternal plagues and pestilence.
Door #3: Room full of telemarketers with your number on speed dial.
- Wrong answer? Pitchfork in the ass!
- "I'll take 'No Matter What You Answer, You'll Suffer in Hell for All Eternity' for $100, master."
- "... and the Final Jeopardy category is: 'Random Strangers Your Mom Has Fellated.'"
The Top Pieces of Advice from Your Drill Instructor
- "Always ask for the bottle when you order a beer, because you know it won't be as dirty as the glass."
- "Keep your friends close, and throw your grenades as far as possible."
- "Don't leave runway ahead of you, fuel on the truck, or beer in the pitcher."
- "When somebody yells, 'INCOMING!', don't ask 'Incoming what?'"
- "FUBAR is not a place to go for entertainment."
- "Never answer 'Yo!' to a D.I."
- "To make a Molotov cocktail: First, celebrate your capture of the city with a bottle of champagne. Second, save the bottle."
- "Never take a dump in the helmet of a man you're not willing to kill."
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