| |
[Mar. 27th, 2009|09:53 am] |
Sooner or later I knew I'd come to this critical juncture in my life. Should I believe that new psychic hotline lady or do I continue to take my orders from the neighbor's dog?
Bill Fluharty
My wife only likes to have sex in places if there is a risk of getting caught. Well, I *have* caught her -- numerous times, in fact.
Brad Osberg
The Top Movie Oxymorons
- original idea
- apolitical award nominee
- delicious craft service
- stable marriage
- humble director
- one-take performer
- net profit
- unnecessary nudity
The Top Driving Tips for the Insane
- Always decide *before* you start off which one of your personalities will be driving on this trip.
- DO NOT put the body of the psychiatrist you just murdered IN the car. Drag him behind and pretend you're part of a wedding fleet.
- That "road rage" guy beside you? Show him he has nothing on "brain rage" guy.
- The more stuff you do while driving (texting, reading, putting on makeup, etc) the faster you have to drive.
- Up here at the next intersection would be a good place to pop open the trunk and let the chickens loose.
- Why use the horn when a friendly nudge into cross traffic will do?
- Your rear view mirror shows you where you've already been: the *past*. Since you cannot change the past, ignore it, and only look ahead to the future!
- If the traffic is really scary, close your eyes.
- Always wear your seat belt, shoulder restraint, ball gag, and straight jacket.
- No talking to your other personalities while driving.
- Remember, striking a pedestrian in a crosswalk is murder. On your paint job.
- Always signal before turning into Joan of Arc.
- Never use your directional signals. You might get a ticket for "improper use of parking lights."
- Remember, the longer you drive in reverse, the younger you get!
- As long as you keep a steady 26 mph with Barry Manilow blasting and the heater up all the way, the crab-demons can't get out of the glove box.
The Top Military April Fools' Day Jokes
- Selective Service System: Announce that the draft has been reinstated for AIG executives.
- Every Army unit: Inform the greenest 2nd Lieutenant that the motor pool needs another lifeguard.
- France and Germany: Work out plot to prank the whole world, where France invades Germany, kicks their butts, and declares Germany an official French province. ("Vous avez ete PUNK'D!")
- Chief of Naval Operations: Approve use of "fart sack" for mattress covers AND Chief Petty Officers.
- Military Intelligence, circa 1876: "No worries, General Custer. There should only be 10 little Indians at Little Big Horn. You'll be fine!"
- Service Secretaries: Announce that to help with bail-out plan, all reenlistment bonuses go to AIG.
- Drill Sergeants at every boot camp: Use "one" instead of "hup."
- Texas Air National Guard: Issue press release that George W. Bush will be finally completing his tour of duty.
The Top Signs You Are Not Cut Out to Be a Makeup Artist
- Your toolkit consists of a trowel, a roll of duct tape and a can of WD40.
- You decide to use vertical lines to help create a slimming face.
- The sight of supermodels make you vomit continuously.
- Your brushes come from Home Depot.
- You're a heterosexual male.
No TopFive.com |
|
|
