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[Feb. 20th, 2009|12:16 pm] |
I don't understand why the doctor and nurses all looked at me weird when I asked if I could have a copy of my colonoscopy on DVD. We'll, they'll understand when I send them the version with my added commentary track.
Nick Smith/Tristan Fabriani
The Top Signs You're Too Late
- Granny's already decomposing.
- Something inside has died. And you can't hide. And you just can't fake it.
- Your efforts to retrieve the man's severed arm from the alligator might have been laudable if you hadn't waited for it to be *passed*.
- The other guests have already been seated, served, and poisoned.
- The hostess handed you a note saying "I'm outta here, Godorkt! Try setting an alarm clock for sh!t's sake! -- Beckett"
- Not only did the orgy start without you; many of the still-aroused guys are calling their doctors.
- The plastic surgeon laughed his ass off.
The Top Little Known Facts About Military Service of Presidents
- Bill Clinton was disqualified from military service because of his past history as a sax fiend.
- Bill Clinton, while not actually serving, did invent the Teflon zipper for soldiers who wanted a quickie in the field.
- Everyone knows, of course, that Barack Obama served in the Indonesian militia.
- For years, Bill Clinton claimed he was reporting for his selective service medical exam whenever he was caught with his pants down.
- Upon joining the Navy, Richard Nixon declared: "I am not a cook."
- Woodrow Wilson realized he would never rise very far in the military with his personal slogan: "He kept us out of war!"
- The term "beating the Bush" originated because LTJG George H.W. Bush wasn't very popular in his squadron.
- George W. Bush didn't actually avoid his Texas Air National Guard service. He was a highly classified special ops asset of the Phoenix program, assigned to deep cover... BAWAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, couldn't finish that one with a straight face.
- Bill Clinton didn't actually dodge the draft. He was a highly-classified... nah, that joke only works once.
- GEN Grant got GEN Lee to surrender after a game of quarters.
- 1st Lt George W. Bush proved that in a pinch, a jet fighter can burn a vodka/cocaine mixture.
The Top Signs Your New Co-Worker Used to Be a Supermodel
- She's the only one who doesn't make a mad dash to the conference room for leftover pastries.
- Complains about the lighting in the conference room not bringing out her good side.
- "Heidi, get down off the conference table. It's not a catwalk."
- Screams every few minutes, the inevitable result of preparing McDonald's fries while wearing lingerie.
- She scheduled a "purge meeting" right after the "lunch meeting."
- Every two minutes she leaves her cubicle and returns in a different outfit.
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