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[Feb. 12th, 2009|12:14 pm] |
The Top Military Valentine's Day Poems
Blood is red.
Gunmetal's blue.
Ammo cans are olive
'Cause you know olive you!
Roses are red;
But sometimes they're pink.
Sarge, you're my man
When your breath doesn't stink.
Roses are red.
Your man's a palooka.
Since you must be mine,
He'll be killed by bazooka.
You are the one for me, you know,
Who sets my heart a-flutter.
No bunch of flowers says it, so
I give this Daisy Cutter.
I'm missing you
'Cause of overseas duty.
Right now I could go
For some stateside booty.
My poem is short, but maybe this'll
Say the words I would impart:
My love is like a guided missile
Target-centered on your heart.
So roses are red,
But what's a Marine?
He'll capture your heart
And rupture your spleen.
Please accept this red geranium
From your besotted fan.
The Iranians have enriched uranium
And I'm flying off to Tehran.
Silk stockings and milk chocolate
I've got for you this V-Day.
Sadly, though, my French amour,
You'll have to wait 'til D-Day.
The Top Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs
- Clears kids off the lawn with an AK-47.
- When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she says, "Go ahead, honey -- the first one's free."
- Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped like a bong, it's black-light orange.
- Frequently takes afternoon tea with Darryl Strawberry and Robert Downey, Jr.
- She roughs up the pharmacist, snarling that her Metamucil was "stepped on."
- "My, what a lot of rolling papers you have, Grandma!"
"Yes, my dear, the better to -- hey, wait a minute... are you a narc?"
- Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you don't finish your vegetables.
- Every teaspoon in her precious antique collection has scorch marks on the bottom.
- Most grandmothers drive with their turn signals on, but not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with tinted windows, 24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.
- Constantly complains about her health -- still no glaucoma, dammit!
- Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on with those solid gold MedicAlert bracelets.
- She pulls a gun on you whenever you reach for the cookie jar.
- Last time she made brownies, you woke up three days later in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.
- The local cops are arresting everyone with lipstick on their cheeks.
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