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[Jan. 23rd, 2009|09:04 am] |
When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like, cremated or anything.
Mitch Berg
The Top Personal Ads to Which You Shouldn't Respond
- Unemployed sideshow carny looking for attractive dental hygienist with experience in lice removal.
- Attention, cute girls! Strong in this one is the Force. Contact me, you will.
- SBM-turned-DWM pop star seeks young, young, YOUNG male companions. Must like monkeys, llamas.
- SF sex kitten wanted to assist my octogenarian father in having a heart attack.
- Into Jell-O, Nazism, Carrot Top, rubber pants, Jiffy Pop, naked pictures of Janet Reno and masturbating to "Meet The Press." Household pets a plus. No weirdos.
- Don't be shy, let's meet! You: 20-something female reading Dostoevsky at Barnes & Noble (5/10). Me: 40-something you quickly looked away from as I exited the men's room with a copy of Maxim magazine.
- Little Rascal seeks SWF for target practice.
- High-rankling US governementel functionerery seeks discreat mistress for erotical games. Must be fluented in English or Mexican.
- Law professor seeks well-prepared student with a willingness to be repeatedly Socratized.
- SWM into science fiction seeks woman with very large forehead. ngoQ: qa'vIn, lopno', nga'chug?
- Widowed Heisman Trophy winner seeks SWF for moonlight strolls, golf, search for real killers.
- Young SWM seeks woman with car who drives past the RadioShack on Elm Avenue on weekday mornings.
- You want cottage cheese? I GOT COTTAGE CHEESE, BABY!
The Top Children's Books by Military Authors
- Good Night, Geosynchronous Orbital Satellite
- Oh the Places You'll Go... Heavily Armed on Peace-Keeping Missions!
- PFC Horton Hires a Ho (1, Training Manual, VD, First, My Very.)
- PFC Potter and the Order from Col. Phoenix
- That's a Hummer, Charlie Brown
- The Secret Garden and How to Besiege, Reduce and Pacify by 1400 Hours, Greenwich
- Private Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Basic Training Day
- Where the Wild IEDs Are
- The Little Nimitz-Class Carrier That Could
- Charlie and the Chocolate Grenade
- Something Armor-Piercing This Way Comes
The Top Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of Yoga Class
- Ripping a nasty, wet fart while lighting a cigarette.
- Proposing a group orgy. Again.
- Speaking in broken, wrong-way-around English at the start of every class and then saying "Oh, sorry, it's not a *Yoda* class? Hahaha!"
- Bringing a yoga mat made from recycled plastic from Vodka bottles.
- Wearing a thong instead of yoga pants.
- Barking cutely whenever you do "downward facing dog."
- Impromptu Kama Sutra demonstrations.
- Transitioning from the "Downward Facing Dog" to a pose that involves licking.
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