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[Jan. 7th, 2009|11:10 am] |
I wish someone could find a cure for my phobia. I have a fear of train-jumping cousins of chimpanzees, sitting on a moon of Mars, playing lap guitars -- also known as Hobobonobodobrophobosphobia.
Terry Figman
The Top Ways to Spend the 2009 Budget
- Private jets (US Automakers only.)
- Rent out all these unused cubicles now that we've laid off 85% of the staff.
- Severely Undervalued Sub-Prime Mortgages.
- Supra-prime mortgage.
- Stock up on toner cartridges. And resume paper.
- Besides Illinois, any Senate seats for sale?
- Flavored pens.
- Fund exploration of selling California back to Mexico.
- Hire a new web guy, one that's got a lot of experience with digital photography and posting things for sale on eBay.
- Re-stripe the parking lot to accommodate the need for fewer parking spots after massive layoffs. And executive bonuses.
The Top Pirate Pick-Up Lines
- "I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest."
- "You're just the tasty wench I've been keeping me eye out for!"
- "Hey, sexy -- how about a Jolly Rogering?"
- "Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber."
- "See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby."
- "WOW! I bet we could fit SIXteen men on that chest!"
- "Me skull and crossbones arn't the only thing I plan on raisin' tonight."
- "Do ya mind if the parrot watches?"
- "Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?"
- "Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded."
- "So you're the new cabin boy, eh?"
- "Do you have the latest copy of Windows XP with cracked product activation?" (software pirates only)
- "Yo, ho! Bottle of rum?"
- "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre you free on Saturday?"
- "Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath!"
The Top Differences Between Nerds and Non-Nerds (Part II)
- Non-nerds keep count of their sexual conquests.
Nerds do the same but use binary so it looks more impressive than it really is.
- Non-nerds have a life.
Nerds have Second Life.
- Non-nerds read this list and laugh.
Nerds read this list and laugh uncomfortably.
- Non-nerds survive their dull, low-paying, post-graduation jobs by taking solace in their liberal arts education.
Nerds remind the non-nerds to supersize that order of fries.
- Non-nerds have gadgets.
Nerds have gadgets that have gadgets.
- Non-nerds upgrade to Vista.
Nerds downgrade to Vista.
- Non-nerds visit Miss Trixie's dungeon.
Nerds sleep in Mama Beatrix's basement.
The Top Disadvantages to Having Your Eye Replaced with a Webcam (Part II)
- Once she learns your "Eye-P" address, your mother *always* knows what you're doing.
- Need more space for recording? Just plug a flash stick into your ear.
- Your Steve Austin impression just got a whole lot more realistic.
- Finally you can focus on both the TV and your spouse at the same time.
- You can't go to concerts or movies without someone putting an eye patch on you.
- "Blue screen of death" takes on a whole new meaning as your robot eye crashes while you tailgate an 18-wheeler in heavy traffic.
- It's all funandgames.com until someone loses a webcam.
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