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[Oct. 21st, 2008|07:46 am] |
I've never even met Carly Simon, but I'm so vain, I *do* think that song is about me.
Bill Muse
The Top Ways Our Lives Would Be Different Without Numbers
- Mafia forced to raise money with alphabet rackets.
- Easier to argue your way out of speeding tickets by pointing out that a radar gun reading of "really zipping along" won't hold up in court.
- With no math or science classes, students would be able to spend more time studying great works of literature like "The Really Important Guy of Monte Cristo."
- The IRS would have a lot more chickens and goats running around the office -- and not just at the Christmas party.
- Tiny ovals on the SAT filled in with a "yellow marking thingy."
- Musicians would start playing whenever they damn well felt like it.
- You have this nagging feeling that there should be a simpler way to describe to your hooker the concept of mutual, simultaneous oral sex.
- You never know how much beer you're going to get in that N-pack.
- The Jackson Five would be known as "Fistful of Jacksons."
- Instead of binary code, computers use "monkey head-no monkey head" code.
The Top Signs It's Going to Be a Bad Halloween
- Old Man Larson has escaped from the sanitarium and you're the only virgin at the Halloween dance.
- Everyone in San Francisco is wearing the French Maid costume, except the women.
- You waited too long, and now the only candy left on the shelf is a bag of leftover "Re-Elect Nixon" mint patties.
- Your brothers in the Hell's Angels simply lack the sophistication to understand the underlying nuances of the cognitive dissonance of your costume. Plus, Smurfette was the only costume left at the rental shop.
- All the stores in your neighborhood have mysteriously run out of eggs and toilet paper.
- The masked ball at the cemetery was unfairly canceled this year. I mean, what are the odds a body could go missing two years in a row?
- Nothing is more frightening than the economy right now, and it's kinda hard to dress up as a mortgage bond.
- "We've run out of apples. Let's try bobbing for pineapples instead."
- You're the only "Tina Fey" in a sea of "Sarah Palins."
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