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[Jul. 9th, 2008|11:24 am] |
One time I was on the verge of dying. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but since I have a short attention span, I only got to the in utero part.
Rob Ahnemann
The Top Disadvantages of Working from Home
- No chance to leave 1/16" of coffee in the pot so someone else has to make the new batch.
- Office gossip replaced by reruns of "Sex and the City."
- Standard office ventilation systems are much more efficient at dispersing cube farts.
- The dog doesn't understand speakerphone etiquette.
- Lack of porn filter of home PC has really decreased productivity, or increased it, depending on your view.
- 56K connection makes downloading that 125MB Project file an all-day task.
- It's a little harder justifying the 22-year-old secretary to your wife.
- You have to be willing to give up the master bedroom to finally have that corner office.
- Kids won't let you use the computer during the summer.
- Interruptions by annoying co-workers replaced by interruptions by annoying Jehovah's Witnesses and magazine-selling teenagaers.
The Top Advanced Medical Technologies from the Kitchen
- Alcohol makes a great anesthetic for either the patient or would-be doctor.
- Minor cut? Try superglue.
- Hot peppers cure cold sores.
- Fresh celery stalks make an easy, fast splint.
- Ordinary ketchup makes an amazingly realistic blood substitute.
- Nothing cures rhinotillexomania like applying Tabasco to the patient's index finger.
- Butter can clog exit wounds as well as arteries.
The Top Things Overheard at the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest
- "Was Kobayashi missing a finger BEFORE the competition started?"
- "I heard that next year's contest has been changed to Tandoori chicken and outsourced to Mumbai."
- "And yet it's still only the fourth-most disgusting thing we've seen at Coney Island."
- "Now let's go to the supermodel purging contest."
- "Would you like a screaming shit-ton of fries with that, sir?"
- "Ladies and gentlemen: The wiener and still chompin'..."
- "I haven't seen anyone inhale that much meat since that Pam Anderson video."
- "Pardon me, do I have any grey puke on?"
- "It's even more impressive when you add up how many rat anuses he's consumed."
- "Someone tell Ms. Hilton she doesn't have to swallow them whole."
- "Let's see... 622 hot dogs and 32 waters... That'll be $2,879 plus tax and tip. Are these together or separate?"
- "You gonna finish that?"
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