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[May. 6th, 2011|05:24 pm]
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish instead of hooking him with the first of 14 volumes of your DVD series "How to Catch Fi$h and Make Millions!!" and you just gave away a nice revenue stream, Dinkwad.
(Mark D. Sabien)

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Introduce that same man to weed and he'll have the munchies for a lifetime.
(Jim Woodruff)

Life gave me melons, not lemons. I think Life is dyslexic, but never mind. The question is: How can I make melonade?
(Maurizio Mariotti)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I wouldn't, however, suggest doing the same for those times when life gives you shit.
(Abhishek Aiyar)

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met my buddy with some exceptionally strong weed. After doing bong hits for an hour, I couldn't remember what the hell I was crying about in the first place. Still can't find my damn shoes, though.
(Jim Woodruff)

I cried because I had no hat, until I met a man who had no head. That was so freakin' gross.
(Matt Kall)

I may be over-reacting to this whole Anthrax thing, but this morning, my donuts were covered with a suspicious white powder.

My wife must be going crazy about right now. I found out about her secret plan to kill me by replacing my coke stash with anthrax, and I switched the anthrax with crushed Viagra. Not only am I still alive, but she thinks snorting military-grade anthrax merely makes me horny.
(Tim H. Richweis)

If your heart tells you one thing and your head another, give the deciding vote to your ass.
(The Covert Comic)

I lost about 500 pounds since I stopped exaggerating.
(Jeff Chastain)

I sent a gift of fruit to a friend but instead they delivered nude photos of his mother. That's the last time I order from Oedipal Arrangements.
(Harry Farkas)

Sometimes elderly relatives need a little pick-me-up. And now, after a little clever programming of their caller I.D. devices, I find nothing taxes that pacemaker like an occasional call from the Grim Reaper.
(Mark D. Sabien)

My ex-girlfriend ate like a bird. It wasn't a big deal until the time in a restaurant when she started vomiting into the mouths of the kids at the next table.
(Carl Knorr)

Sometimes I get really depressed and I think life isn't worth living. Then I look around and see all the wonder and miracles around me and I realize life is worth living... just not *my* life.
(Lili Von Schtupp)

I believe I've finally mastered the metric system! "Big deal," you say, but for me, it's a major kilometerstone.
(J. Murphy)

Gandhi may have said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind," but I think it would just make the world one-eyed and well-behaved.
(Steve Jones)

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