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[Oct. 4th, 2010|08:38 am] |
I tried making a booty call last night, but the only guys who showed up had never had sex before. Stupid Virgin Mobile.
Recently in Orange County, California, a man who drove drunk and killed 3 people was convicted of murder. The defense attorney's brilliant closing argument mentioned that the man wasn't TRYING to kill people and that he was a good person who inadvertently hurt other people -- comparing him to Brad Pitt, who hurt Jennifer Aniston when he ran off with Angelina Jolie, and Woody Allen, who hurt Mia Farrow when he ran off with Soon-Yi Previn.
The Top Idiotic Sentences to Include in a Closing Argument
- "Let he who is without incriminating armed robbery footage that went viral on YouTube cast the first stone."
- "Ms. Hilton is a vapid, blonde, party-slut heiress -- and quite frankly, wouldn't we all be surprised and a little disappointed if she did NOT have cocaine in her purse?"
- "Yes, he burned down a building, but local underprivileged kids got to roast a lot of marshmallows that day."
- "DNA, schmeeNA -- that jizz wasn't his."
- "Okay, so maybe she shot her parents. While you debate whether the defendant is also guilty of killing her brother that day, I encourage you to remember that this young woman had only recently lost BOTH her mother and father."
The Top Complaints of Runners
- Dogturd-Shoe Syndrome.
- Street sweepers that don't get all the broken glass. (Kenyans only.)
- Someone is always faster. And thinner. And has more hair. Wait, what?
- That runners high never helps you get out of bed at two in the morning.
- Having to use eight feet of duct tape to prevent the trouser snake from slapping your knees.
- Having to break stride to stomp every yippy dog you see.
The Top Signs Your Doctor Isn't In It For The Money
- His specialty: Pediatrics.
His location: Sun City Retirement Village Clinic.
- Large signs in the front window say, "Checks gratefully accepted, no questions asked!"
- Most of his patients in Borneo pay in lizards. Cooked lizards.
- "Hi, I'm Doctor Winslow. I'm in it for the chicks. Now what seems to be the problem?"
- He's running The Berkeley Free Breast Augmentation Clinic.
- She seems to enjoy performing vasectomies a little too much.
- S&M Quarterly in the waiting room, all his instruments are sanitized in the freezer, and every exam table has tie down straps.
- Thursday's door-buster special: Cosmetic surgery for the homeless.
- In lieu of insurance he accepts payments in the form gas, grass or ass.
- The little giggle every time she does a hernia test.
- Services Rendered: Open Heart Surgery Your bill: 12 chickens and 3 pounds of venison salami.
"The Social Network" opens in theaters this weekend. The movie tells the story of Facebook.com and founder Mark Zuckerberg.
The Top Surprises in the Facebook Movie
- The movie is completely faithful to the source material: It's neither informative nor particularly entertaining, yet you remain glued to your theater seat for two hours and accomplish absolutely nothing.
- Zuckerberg initially doubts a social network like Facebook would be popular, because "People just aren't that shallow and self-centered."
- Audiences members have to allow their personal information to be shared so the movie can continue.
- With the 3D glasses, you can actually *feel* a SuperPoke.
- People you kinda knew in high school keep interrupting the movie with lame wisecracks.
What if we never called unsolicited commercial e-mail "spam"? What would we call it instead?
The Top Alternate Names for Spam E-Mail
- Unfortunate Computer Email (UCE)
- Suspicious foreign business opportunity solicitation
- iHam
- Surprise mailbox stuffers
- Nigerian Pen Pals
- "You've got Billy Mays mail!"
Scientists have found that cigarette butts can stop rust.
The Top Uses for Cigarette Butts
- String them into a necklace to use as an effective date repellent.
- Pinata filler for the Marlboro Man.
- Can be used to stop the aging process. Just not the *preferred* way.
- Concrete padding.
- Use as an organic landfill for the low spots at major highway intersections.
- Earplugs to block out the sound of a really bad smoker's cough.
- Hyperallergenic pillows.
- Packing peanuts for a coffin.
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